Are you familiar with Differentiation · Heart-In-Mind

Are you familiar with Differentiation

One of the least understood skills in relationships is differentiation — the ability to tell the difference between what belongs to you emotionally and what belongs to someone else.

Most men were not taught this growing up.

Many were taught two things instead:

• push down what you feel

• step up and protect

On the surface, those lessons look like strength. Underneath, they often blur the line between self and other.

When you’re trained to suppress your own emotional experience, you lose practice noticing internal signals in real time — tension, fear, disappointment, overwhelm. Those signals don’t disappear; they just go unrecognized.

Then add the protector role.

When emotion shows up in someone you care about, your system doesn’t slow down to ask, “What’s happening inside me right now?”

It moves straight to action: fixing, reassuring, explaining, taking responsibility.

This is where confusion starts.

Not because you don’t care.

But because your nervous system has learned that emotional intensity equals responsibility.

Here’s where differentiation becomes practical.

A differentiated response starts with internal sorting before external action.

You can practice this in three steps:

First: notice activation

Pay attention to your body before your thoughts. Tight chest, urgency, irritation, pressure to speak or solve — these are signs your system is mobilizing.

Second: name what’s yours

Ask yourself quietly:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Not what should I do — what am I actually experiencing?

This might be discomfort, helplessness, fear of being blamed, or the urge to make the situation go away.

Third: separate responsibility

Then ask:

“Is this emotion coming from my internal state, or am I absorbing someone else’s?”

You can be affected by someone without being responsible for regulating them.

This is the difference between:

• supporting vs rescuing

• listening vs fixing