Hey, everyone. It’s me again, unfortunately. I’m not ok. I got out of bed at 2:00pm today and I’ve pretty much bed rotted and engaged in brain rot and adult content. I’m on the verge of not wanting to exist and realizing I’m not engaged with everything I want to do. Many of my projects have gone unfinished. I cut out all my friends and family. Adult content is the only thing I seem get pleasure from and at this point, I’m convinced that it’s a lot better than real intimacy. I haven’t gotten my homework done and I’m behind in one class. While that’s going on, the memories haven’t stopped. People shutting me out, giving the worst advice possible, telling me I’m not enough, cutting me out of my life, treating me like I’m a piece of shit. I physically tick every time one of this moments pop in my head. My hobbies no longer have any meaning to me. I even despise my name. This isn’t a boohoo post but then again I don’t know anymore. I’ve always hated my life. I’ve always been the buff of jokes especially around women. I’m done flirting with women, being social and putting myself out there or working for my future. I never had one to begin with. I’m not doing all of this Because of my breakups but they confirmed that there is nothing that I deserve. Not now, not ever. I give up on love and on life. I just came home and punched a hole in the wall and honestly violence and hatred are the only thing that make me feel alive. All I can ask is why: why did my life become like this? Why did I even fall in love in the first place? Why did I ever think I could get a shot at happiness? Why am I always the one who everyone likes to bully and talk down to? Why am I the one who gets nothing? I’ve hated my life and always have, but these past five years especially 2025 and 2026 have been the worst. I’m giving up on life. Fuck love, fuck life and fuck me for thinking I could heal. I went to a club thinking I could go socialize but all I got was a threat to be in a fight and a failed attempt at flirting with someone. This world is nothing but chaos and chaos and chaos on wheels. I have no respect left for humanity or myself or anyone else in general. I’m done spilling my guts out to a therapist and going to programs while everyone I went to high school with has more success than me at everything i want: the bodies, the money, the cars, everything handed to them while I toil and wallow in misery. It’s not fair. It’s not like I asked for my life to be this way I haven’t. But then again it’s all I deserve. I’m sick of everything and all I want to do is die. Yep, you heard me right. All I want to do is die so I give myself peace of mind. That way I don’t have to worry about being rejected, falling in love, mocked or looked down upon or anything like that or being yelled at for being called weird or any other name in between. I’m a lost cause and because of everything else, nothing else is possible for me. I quit. With all the thoughts I’ve had of wanting to end my life, several people have told me that I should go to the hospital. But I can’t risk it. I’m almost done with school, but at the same time, I could really really care less. I don’t know anymore

I know I said I was ready to change. I know I said I wanted things to be different. But I do not know anymore. I'm tired of all the self-help/dating content, all the therapists, being on medication, getting no sleep, never eating enough, hating myself, wanting to break a mirror when I see myself in one, being seen as a failure by my relatives and friends, losing people, and being a bore. That's the worst part of it. I'm nothing but a big, sad bore. I can't decide if I want to live anymore. I'm flunking school, my classmates do not like me, and my professors are even worse. I can never focus, I can never relax, and I can never get anything done because of all these heavy emotions and regrets and anguish that I'm in. Yet for some reason, I crave success. I crave driving on the open road with people going to all kinds of cool places, making memories, and leaving everything behind. I crave falling in love, being successful, and being happy, but it all seems out of my reach. I constantly see all the people my age getting into relationships, graduating from school, and getting jobs. I know it's comparing, but there's nothing else that I can do. I'm also tired of all the phony advice I get, like "love yourself" or "focus on you," or any shitty sayings that don't do shit and that are empty. It's like bandages for a bullet wound for me. I know what I want to do and exactly how to do it, but I don't have the energy for it. But it seems like when I see someone having something I want, I go right back to having that same problem. I'm also tired of my parents pretending like it's nothing that they're participating in my trauma, and all of a sudden, they want to do family stuff. It's an insult and a waste of my time. I think what I hate the most is just how people act around me or think that they can treat me or talk to me like I'm a baby. It's like they see through me and they think, "I wish I were hanging out with another person instead," whether it be girls, guys, relatives, or strangers I sometimes dare to talk to. Every night, I cry my eyes out to sleep because of just how my life has turned out. I wish I were someone else. I wish I were charming, witty, funny, and laid-back. But I'm not. I'm a paranoid, enraged, envious, devastated, distraught, lonely, fat, anxious, addicted, and complicated mess. And I don't know how to get out of this hole I'm in. I'm seeing a therapist on Tuesday, but I don't know where to start. I've spilled my guts out in the past, but I've gotten nothing in return. I'm stitching myself back up over and over and over and over. I wish I could quit school, pack up, move out to the middle of nowhere, and get away from my life. I'm miserable, and I feel empty, cold, and dead inside. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I can't remember the last time that I felt happy. I'm running out of patience and energy to turn things around for myself, and the light at the end of the tunnel gets smaller and smaller and smaller. The urges do not stop, the anger does not stop, the nightmares and the dreams do not stop, the memories do not stop, and the flashbacks are still coming. The tears keep falling, and the voices get louder every day. I'm at the end of my rope. As the post says, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know how to bring change in my life, and I don't know what to do until I see this therapist.

DM me for the workout

Hey guys. I made a new Kettlebell workout. Want to get some feedback before I post it. Who would like to see it first and give me some feedback?