🪂The stages of an identity shift

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An identity shift is when you consciously choose to step into a new version of yourself—a self that thinks differently, acts differently, and makes choices aligned with who you want to become, rather than who you’ve been. It’s not just about changing habits; it’s about transforming the way you see yourself at the core. You are essentially upgrading your “operating system” for life.

Here’s how it usually unfolds, including the emotional nuances that many people don’t talk about:

1. The Exciting Beginning

When you first decide to become a “new you,” everything feels full of possibility. You feel motivated, inspired, almost unstoppable. You start imagining what life will look like once you fully become this new self.

For example:

You start a fitness routine because you see yourself as a healthy, active person.
You begin speaking up at work because your new identity is confident and assertive.
You set boundaries in relationships because your new self respects your energy and time.

At this stage, the new identity feels exciting and almost magical. You’re seeing glimpses of what’s possible, and that sparks motivation.

2. The Grieving of the Old Self

But here’s the part that often catches people off guard: as you lean into this new identity, you begin to grieve your old self. The habits, patterns, and coping mechanisms you’ve had for years—sometimes decades—start to feel like they’re being taken away.

This grief can show up as:

Sadness or longing: Missing old habits, even if they weren’t serving you. For example, craving comfort food after deciding to eat healthier.
Fear: Feeling like you don’t really know who you are anymore.
Resistance: Old self-talk starts whispering, “This isn’t you,” or “You’ll never stick to this.”

This grieving is normal and necessary. You’re mourning a version of yourself that provided comfort, identity, and predictability. Your brain is literally recalibrating to a new “default.”

3. Motivation Peaks

In the early days of an identity shift, this grief can actually feel motivating. You’re energized to prove the old self wrong. You might feel fierce determination:

“I’m not that person anymore. I’m going to stick with this. I am this new self.”

This is the honeymoon phase of identity transformation. The new self feels thrilling and empowering.

4. The Return of the Old Self

Eventually, the old self tries to reassert itself. It’s not malicious—it’s simply your brain reverting to familiar patterns because that’s what it knows. You might notice:

You skip workouts or go back to old habits.
Self-doubt creeps in: “Maybe I’m not really confident after all.”
Motivation dips because the novelty wears off, and change feels like work.

This is why most identity shifts fail if you rely only on motivation. Motivation is temporary; your old neural pathways and learned behaviours are strong.

5. The Deep Transformation

To truly complete an identity shift, you need more than motivation—you need integration:

Self-awareness: Recognize when your old self is showing up and why.
Consistency over motivation: Small, repeated actions reinforce the new identity.
Compassion: Grieve your old self without guilt, but don’t let it control you.
Alignment: Build systems, environments, and relationships that support your new self.

Over time, the new identity becomes automatic. The old self doesn’t disappear entirely—it becomes the “backup mode” for stress or comfort—but it no longer runs your life. You can choose which self to operate from.

✅ In short: An identity shift is a mix of excitement, grief, resistance, and eventual mastery. At first, it feels motivating, almost euphoric. Then the old self resurfaces, testing your commitment. But with awareness, practice, and self-compassion, the new identity becomes your default, and you start living life aligned with who you truly want to be.

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