Feb 5 • General discussion
Why We Don't Feel Joy Anymore
A friend said to me recently: “You should talk about this - why we stop feeling joy. It’s happening to me, and I think it’s happening to a lot of people.”
And I recognise it well - I’ve been there too. Actually, I’m probably still there more often than I’d like to admit.
I heard it from other friends and clients, too: “I used to get so excited about things. Now everything just feels plain or stressful.”
For example, trips were once something to look forward to. Now it feels like an unexciting to-do list: flights to book, packing lists to make, and work to organize. When did anticipation turn into yet another project?
You see something beautiful - maybe light hitting the trees just right, or your city at dusk, any perfect little moment. And your brain goes “oh, that’s nice,” and then immediately you’re thinking about what you need to cook for dinner, or that email you forgot to send, or where you parked the car.
You’re standing right there, looking at this beautiful thing, and you’re already gone.
If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Here’s what I think is happening to us.
We see beautiful things, but we don’t actually let them in. We hear music, but we don’t let it move us. We eat something delicious, but we’re already thinking about the next thing. We’re with people we genuinely love, and our brain is running through the to-do list.
It’s not that we don’t care anymore. We’re not cynical. We’re not always depressed.
We’ve just forgotten how to pause and stay present. How to actually be, rather than just passing through.
Everything’s become something to get through. To complete. To check off the list.
Even the things that are supposed to be joyful.
And the really scary part? We don’t even notice we’re doing it anymore.
What’s Actually Happening Here? Okay, so I’ve been going down a research rabbit hole because I wanted to understand what’s happening. Here is what I found out.
There’s a part of your brain called the Default Mode Network that runs in the background all the time. It’s like having fifty browser tabs open in your head, constantly churning through the past and the future - what you need to do, what might happen, what you should have said, what they probably meant.
Research shows we spend about 47% of our waking hours in this state. For nearly half our lives, we are physically present but mentally elsewhere entirely.
Half the time, you’re not actually experiencing your life - you’re thinking about your life.
Your Body Can’t Feel Joy When It’s in Task Mode
This is where it gets interesting. You know how sometimes you can look at something and your brain registers “yes, beautiful,” but you don’t actually feel anything?
That’s because joy lives in a different part of your nervous system than the part that’s running your to-do list.
When you’re in planning mode, executing mode, getting-stuff-done mode - your body is literally in a different state. And in that state, you don’t have access to wonder or pleasure or being moved by things.
It’s why you can know something is beautiful and not feel it. Your thinking brain sees it. But your body isn’t available for the experience because it’s still three steps ahead, still managing, still planning.
Being Moved by Beauty Requires Time.
Dacher Keltner studies awe. He found that when we actually let ourselves be moved by something - experience awe - it has physical effects on our body. Lower inflammation, a more relaxed nervous system state, and a sense of connection.
And! It requires time to slow down. Even just for a moment.
When we’re in rush mode - see it, register it, move on - we literally cannot access that experience. Even if we’re standing in front of something objectively magnificent. The beauty is there, but we’re not available for it.
We’ve Forgotten How to Play. There’s research showing that when adults stop playing - and I mean actual play, not “self-care activities” that we turn into another optimization project - we get rigid. We lose vitality. We get depressed.
Play is how we stay flexible and remember joy. But play requires doing something for absolutely no reason other than it feels good.
And we’ve completely lost that capacity. Everything has to have a purpose. Everything must be productive, self-improving, or content-worthy.
When’s the last time you did something genuinely pointless? Just for the pleasure of it?
Yeah. Me too, until recently.
So here we are.
Half our lives, we’re mentally absent. Our bodies are stuck in a state that doesn’t allow for joy. We can’t pause long enough to be moved by anything. And we’ve forgotten how to play.
This isn’t about being ungrateful, by the way. This isn’t some “first-world problems” thing.
This is about the fact that we’ve spent years - maybe decades - training ourselves to believe that our worth comes from what we accomplish. That being productive is more important than being present. That our value is in our output.
And so we’ve learned to live entirely in our heads. Planning the next thing. Managing the current thing. Reviewing the last thing.
And when you live like that, you miss your actual life.
Because life - real life - isn’t the achievements. It’s not the checked boxes or the completed projects.
It’s the sunset. The music. The laughter. The way your coffee tastes in the morning. The feeling of the sun on your face. The moment your friend says something that makes you laugh so hard you can’t breathe.
But we’re not there for any of it. Not really.
We’re already thinking about what’s next.
So What Do We Do? Here’s what I’m learning. You can’t think your way back into joy. Doesn’t work. This isn’t an intellectual problem. This is a body problem, a nervous system problem.
It starts with noticing. Oh, I’m registering that tree instead of actually seeing it. Oh, I’m planning dinner while my partner’s talking to me. Oh, I just labeled that moment “nice” and moved on.
Not to beat yourself up about it. Just to see it and build awareness.
And then - and this is the hard part - giving yourself permission to actually pause. Even for a few seconds. To let something land. To do something completely pointless. To be affected by your own life.
Your body needs to remember that it’s okay to be here. That not everything is urgent. That you’re allowed to just experience something without any actual reason behind it.
You deserve to actually be present and experience, not only observe, your own life.
The Capacity for Joy Isn’t Gone.
I really believe that.
It’s just buried. Years of productivity culture and constant stimulation, and believing that being busy means being valuable.
You haven’t lost it. You’ve just lost access to it. And access can be rebuilt.
Through pausing. Through purposelessness. Through letting yourself be in awe again.
You deserve to feel joy again. Right now. In this moment. In your actual life.
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Why We Don't Feel Joy Anymore
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