DON'T USE I STATEMENTS (Until You Master This) · RelationshipMastery4Physicians

DON'T USE I STATEMENTS (Until You Master This)

I-statements are the rage.

But just because your favorite couples therapist or that Gottman book mentioned it, doesn't mean it's the best place for you to start.

If you get triggered the minute a special someone gets snippy, passive-aggressive or annoyed at you, I-statements will NOT help.

At best, you'll say the right words but your tone and body language will ring alarm bells in the person next to you, and they get defensive.

And at worst, you'll start with the word I, but end with blame or sarcasm....aaaand they get defensive.

See once you are triggered, it's too late.

The wheels are already loose and there's no way to stop the train from hurtling off a cliff.

The work then is to >> not get triggered in the first place <<

In other words, to become UNTRIGGERABLE.

There's only 3 ways for you to get there:

Let's break them down, then help you figure out which is best for you. This is a crucial decision if you want to stop escalating and repairing over and over (with every episode building a wall of resentment and mistrust)

THE THREE WAYS TO BECOMING UNTRIGGERABLE:

1. COUPLES TALK THERAPY/COACHING

What is it:

You find a couples therapist and work on communication skills every week in a joint setting.

Pros:

You are doing the work together, so interactions can be caught in real time.

Cons:

In an already distressed relationship, joint sessions quickly escalate and the therapist spends the hour playing referee whilst trying to make sense of the latest argument. It takes a painfully LONG time to create real change.

2. INDIVIDUAL TALK THERAPY/COACHING

What is it:

You speak to an individual therapist every week to gain deeper insight into your patterns, past and psyche.

Pros:

It's comforting. You have someone in your corner (sometimes for the first time ever) and it feels good to be understood. Growing self-awareness and learning to have your own back is gratifying.

Cons:

You rarely get challenged. Since the individual therapist often has not seen you interact with them in real time, they can't diagnose your blind spots or growth edges. Plus when you come home and get triggered, all the tools your therapist taught you go out the window.

3. NERVOUS SYSTEM REGULATION WORK PLUS TALK THERAPY/COACHING

What is it:

You build nervous system capacity and become Un-Triggerable first. Then you work on boundaries, communication, I statements etc.

Pros:

More efficient path since you immediately stop adding to the escalations. And now that you have access to your pre-frontal cortex even during an argument, you can actually USE all the tools you learned masterfully and effortlessly.

Cons:

It's hard to find someone who can do both. So you often have to piecemeal it together with books, podcasts and individual talk therapy, making it a confusing trial and error process.

MY STORY:

When I started trying to heal my relationships, I thought the best way was to master communication tools.

I spent a year doing this, and it ended with my partner at the time calling me a manipulative robot. (I was pissed at the time, but looking back, they were right😂)

This post explains *why* communication tools alone can backfire.

Please do not make the mistake I made.

Then I thought I was smart, so I delved deep into attachment styles, inner child work and core belief reprogramming.

It helped! My relationships did get better. A LOT better.

I even taught 400+ women physicians how to do this too.

But here's the thing: It was like pushing a boulder uphill every day.

As my daughter says, TWAS HARD WORK BRUH.

And the minute I took my foot off the gas pedal, I would slip back into old patterns.

It's only in the last 2-3 years I've found the missing piece - nervous system regulation.

Once I learned how to expand my capacity to feel ANY emotion without going into fight/flight/freeze...

...suddenly my whole world opened up.

Now it's EASY to solve conflict without losing my cool.

And it feels effortless to stay centered and open even when someone is mad, upset or annoyed with me. Like I don't even have to try. I. JUST. FEEL. RELAXED.

To recap:

- Communication skills - 1 year - Called a manipulative robot

- Inner child and Core belief reprogramming work - 10 years - Saved my life but like pushing a boulder up a hill, with frequent relapses

- Nervous system regulation work followed by Inner child and communication frameworks - ~ 3 years - the most relaxed and confident I have ever felt!

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐎𝐍

The fastest path to feeling calm, confident and being able to resolve any conflict with ease?

Start by learning to regulate your nervous system.

Only move to inner child and communication tools when you can stay steady and not get triggered easily.

Too many people try to skip steps. But end up having little success, so their motivation fizzles, and they go back to the same push-pull power struggles.

The most efficient path to becoming your best self and building relationships that nourish you, starts with Option 3, then moves to Option 2, then finally to Option 1.

By starting with your nervous system, you immediately see results, and your relationships feel calm and connected within a few weeks.

Kave

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