Aug '24 (edited) • Accountability
Starting to live
Hi, my name is Patricia. I am 48 years old and I have spent the last 47 years pretty much wasting my life. I have always felt that I was not good enough strong enough capable enough to have a better life. Somehow, I learned to believe I didn’t deserve more no matter how hard I worked I wouldn’t be able to make anything of my life even as a child. I do not recall having self love for myself. I didn’t even feel like I could take care of myself. I always thought I needed somebody else to help. Take care of me. I definitely played the victim role, I obviously became comfortable there because every time I would start to go for more in my life stand up for myself believe I deserved better all too quickly. I would run back to that. I was not good enough. I do not have very much that I am proud of in my life. I have two children and two grandchildren. I am very happy to have them in my life but I do not feel I was a good role model for them not physically or mentally I credit my mom and dad for helping me care for them. I believed I couldn’t do it on my own on October 25, 2021 We got the diagnosis that my partner of 18 years had pancreatic cancer The reason I say 47 years wasted was because I got to stand by his side as I watched him suffer and fade away. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it is also probably one of the most proudest things I’ve done standing by him till his last breath holding him in my arms as his spirit left his body on October 14, 2022 he didn’t even make it a year and that was with them finding it at stage one. He is not the only one that died that day I dug myself into the darkest hole of my life. I had no faith in life or God at all anymore most days I didn’t even want to be alive and wouldn’t you know it nine months later, I would lose my stepson that I helped raise to addiction that broke me pretty much I blamed myself question if I could’ve been there more for him that I wasn’t the only one that lost TONY and was in pain shortly after that I ended up in the hospital for four months needless to say my health mentally and physically was on a downward spiral. I felt like I was on a roller coaster nightmare that I couldn’t get out of.
I stopped doing anything for myself. I didn’t cook didn’t clean. Haven’t still till this day. I started today my house. It is a representation of the chaos in my mind. There is no order at all it in fact when I walk in the door, I am greeted by stuff piles so high you can’t even see the floor i most of the walls I have a small pathway to my bed and to the bathroom. There is not an ounce. I’ve comfort in this home. I spent most of my day scrolling, Facebook or YouTube watching people change their lives, wanting more and more information on how to change mine never putting any action in, but after watching a reel on June 4 I believe it was James clear the author of atomic habits. He talked about setting goals that were very small achievable goals that you knew you could meet and then build on them so I set a goal that day that was so small most people would laugh at me and think I was joking, but my goal was to become an active person be active for 5 minutes a day I spent most of my days inside doing very little outside not more than had to maybe running into a store to do an errand usually buy junk food. Or go to see the doctor which always resulted in more medication. I started tracking my five minutes a day walking outdoors at first it was very painful to even make it to the end of the block. There were days that I didn’t want to do it at all even knowing it was only five minutes I missed a few days, but I believe today I have passed over 50 days some days. I did it at 11 o’clock at night the best days I would get it done and over with first thing in the morning on the days that I really did not want to do it at all? I would do six minutes to hit the goal and do a little bit more sense I’ve been walking. I also started grounding every morning and getting out in the sunlight or at least outside first thing in the morning before I go on my phone. There was one day I went on my phone before doing the grounding , I was got angry at myself felt like giving up all together because I missed one day. I still did the grounding. I just went on the phone first it was my negative. Talk that I’m so used to telling myself see you messed it up again what’s the point? You’re back at day one again now anyway after a long story that I’ve dragged out thank you if you read this far I am here because I want more in my life. I know it would be easier to stay where I am, but I’m not even 50 yet. Do I if I’m lucky, want to spend the next 20 years , being a victim living on half of a queen size bed and a toilet I don’t even shower in my home. I go to family to shower. I’ve been asking myself. Do I really and end up suffering from your health and dying depressed and alone, do I really wanna do this for another 20 years or more? Possibly. So far today, I decided to show up, listen up and learn how to take action and start living my life with consistency and purpose I wish you all the very best on your journeys wherever you may be.
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Starting to live
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