Hi, my name is Patricia. I am 48 years old and I have spent the last 47 years pretty much wasting my life. I have always felt that I was not good enough strong enough capable enough to have a better life. Somehow, I learned to believe I didnāt deserve more no matter how hard I worked I wouldnāt be able to make anything of my life even as a child. I do not recall having self love for myself. I didnāt even feel like I could take care of myself. I always thought I needed somebody else to help. Take care of me. I definitely played the victim role, I obviously became comfortable there because every time I would start to go for more in my life stand up for myself believe I deserved better all too quickly. I would run back to that. I was not good enough. I do not have very much that I am proud of in my life. I have two children and two grandchildren. I am very happy to have them in my life but I do not feel I was a good role model for them not physically or mentally I credit my mom and dad for helping me care for them. I believed I couldnāt do it on my own on October 25, 2021 We got the diagnosis that my partner of 18 years had pancreatic cancer The reason I say 47 years wasted was because I got to stand by his side as I watched him suffer and fade away. It was the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life, but it is also probably one of the most proudest things Iāve done standing by him till his last breath holding him in my arms as his spirit left his body on October 14, 2022 he didnāt even make it a year and that was with them finding it at stage one. He is not the only one that died that day I dug myself into the darkest hole of my life. I had no faith in life or God at all anymore most days I didnāt even want to be alive and wouldnāt you know it nine months later, I would lose my stepson that I helped raise to addiction that broke me pretty much I blamed myself question if I couldāve been there more for him that I wasnāt the only one that lost TONY and was in pain shortly after that I ended up in the hospital for four months needless to say my health mentally and physically was on a downward spiral. I felt like I was on a roller coaster nightmare that I couldnāt get out of.