13h • Discussion
I wake up every day on repeat.
While the world keeps moving like nothing happened, like nothing went wrong, my brain stays stuck at the moment outside of KRMC hospital 4 years ago.
I remember holding my DaddyO's hand, letting him go. I remember the nurses and a kind security guard waking me up at his bedside, holding a cold hand that once belonged to the body my father wore. They told me he wasn't coming back, and that it was time for me to go home and get some rest. In that moment, I faded a little more than I knew was possible.
I threw a fit, I stopped understanding. I just wanted my father to walk out of the hospital with me, knowing that was never reality.
So, I was taken outside to the sidewalk where the security guards told me to "catch my breath, try to calm down, slow my breathing"
As they walked back in to the hospital, I hit the ground. I sat there for probably 2 hours, crying.
As people tried to help and offered condolences, I continued fading until ..... That's the last thing I remember in my own life for over a year.
Record shows, I got up off that sidewalk that evening and got very very drunk, drove home at some point and then preceded to throw away almost 10 years of recovery from methamphetamine, relapsing harder than I thought I ever would at all. I threw away my entire life, my marriage, my home, belongings and left the state without a trace of who I was. 9 months later, my husband found me and begged me to come home. He got on a plane for the first time in his entire 36 years of life, got a u haul and we loaded up our 2 animals that I had taken, all of our stuff id taken plus a new dog I have gotten in those 9 months. I was 125lbs lighter, barely clinging to life mentally and physically. 80lbs at 5 3, no recollection of how id gotten away from my husband, to another state or any of the reality I was in.
That was 2.5 years ago. Now, I am clean again and I have some weight on me. We were gifted a beautiful little boy after the loss, a little boy we never expected or planned for. So, while we are preparing for our 15 year wedding anniversary, our little boy is 18 months old and I couldn't be more grateful every day when I see his face...knowing my dad sent this little boy to me. Knowing, I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my husband's faithful love and our boys existence.
I have trouble spelling now, never in my 36 years did I ever have trouble spelling. I have trouble speaking sometimes and my anger is out of control. I am scared to leave the house most times and I can't remember who I use to be. Most the people I use to know barely recognize me and I don't recognize them at all. I had some sort of mental breakdown, that's a fact. I have done impatient, ssri's, therapist, psychiatrists, coping skills and more. All to show no progress in bringing any of the old me out or showing hope that a NEW me without this anger is ahead.
Being a wife and mother is all I know. It's all I have. And I'm glad for those roles. But I'm scared that the shell of me doesn't understand life anymore.
9 months ago, my mother died. I have no family left and the identity crisis of 1) getting clean again 2) becoming a mother 3) having a mental/nervous breakdown 4) losing both my parents is all so much to handle...
I live through the guilt everyday of things I cannot remember doing. I live through the pain everyday that my husband walks around feeling from things I don't recall. I live through the grief everyday knowing I wouldn't be so lost if my father wasn't a great man to be missed...and my mother. But I walk around everyday wondering how to KEEP my grief mask OFF because underneath it, I don't recognize myself.
Thanks for letting me share. Xox
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1 comment
I wake up every day on repeat.
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