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005: Don’t Just Read This Community. USE IT.
I want to tell you something about this community from the beginning. You don’t need to impress anybody here. You don’t have to have relationships figured out. You don’t need the perfect vocabulary. You don’t need to agree with everything I teach. And you definitely don’t need to pretend you’re enlightened. Please don’t. That sounds exhausting. 😂 What I will ask you to do is something much simpler… …and sometimes much harder: Be real. Be curious. Ask questions. Own your experience. Listen before defending yourself. Notice what happens inside you when you get uncomfortable. Be willing to challenge your assumptions. Be willing to laugh at yourself. And be willing to occasionally discover that the problem might not entirely be “them.” Relationships are extraordinary mirrors. They reveal where we’re strong. Where we’re generous. Where we’re courageous. And also where we’re afraid. Avoidant. Controlling. Guarded. Defensive. Needy. Disconnected. That’s not failure. That’s information. And information gives us choices. So my invitation is simple: Don’t just consume this community. Use it. Introduce yourself. Join conversations. Try the exercises. Ask the question you’ve been afraid to ask. Share something real. Practice saying the thing you normally hide. Practice listening when you normally defend. Practice staying present when your instinct is to shut down, fix, attack, or run. Because reading about relationships will never make us great at relationships. The skill develops in the practice. Every interaction gives us another rep. Another chance to do it differently. Another chance to love someone better. That’s what Love Is A Skill is ultimately about. ❤️ Learn it. Practice it. Live it. So let’s start right now: Introduce yourself below and answer these three questions: 1. Who are you? 2. What brought you here? 3. What relationship skill do you most want to get better at? I’ll go first in the comments.
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001: Nobody Taught Us How to Love
Most of us were taught almost everything except how to have a great relationship. We learned how to work. How to make money. How to solve problems. How to survive. But very few of us were taught how to communicate when we’re hurt, scared, angry, jealous, disappointed, or triggered. Nobody taught us how to ask for what we really want. How to listen without immediately defending ourselves. How to create trust. How to repair connection after we’ve damaged it. How to stay present when someone we love is upset with us. How to tell the truth when telling the truth feels risky. And somehow, after learning almost none of this, we’re expected to create extraordinary relationships. Then when things get difficult, we think something must be wrong. Maybe I picked the wrong person. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard. But I’ve come to believe something different: ❤️ Love is not just something you feel. Love is something you learn how to do. Communication is a skill. Listening is a skill. Vulnerability is a skill. Creating trust is a skill. Repairing after conflict is a skill. Even staying present when every part of you wants to defend yourself, shut down, attack, or run… That’s a skill. And skills can be practiced. That’s why this community exists. Not because any of us have relationships completely figured out. But because we can get better. One conversation. One mistake. One courageous truth. One rep at a time. Your turn: What’s ONE relationship skill you wish someone had taught you 20 years ago? Drop it below. 👇
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003: What Being a Loving Dominant Taught Me About Love
About 20 years ago, a woman I was dating pulled me aside and asked me something I wasn’t remotely prepared for: “Would you be my Dominant?” I didn’t really understand what she was asking. Like a lot of people, I thought dominance was mostly about control. Authority. Confidence. Taking charge. What I eventually discovered was almost the opposite. Healthy dominance requires an enormous amount of presence. It requires awareness. Emotional regulation. Integrity. Responsibility. Communication. Boundaries. Listening. And above all… Trust. If another human being gives you their vulnerability, surrender, emotions, or body, that trust is not something you’re entitled to. It’s something you earn. That lesson changed how I understood relationships. Because the deeper questions weren’t really about BDSM. They were questions like: Can I stay grounded when another person becomes emotional? Can I say what I want without demanding that someone give it to me? Can I hear NO without becoming angry, defensive, wounded, or manipulative? Can someone disagree with me and still feel safe with me? Do my words and actions match? Can another person relax because they know where they stand with me? Can I lead without controlling? Can I hold power without abusing it? Those aren’t just Dominant/submissive questions. Those are relationship questions. And whether you identify as dominant, submissive, masculine, feminine, neither, both, or “Rick, I just want my relationship to stop feeling like a hostage negotiation” 😂… Trust matters. Presence matters. Integrity matters. Here’s today’s question: What makes YOU trust another person deeply? Not what should create trust. What actually does? I’d love to hear your answer. 👇
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004: Great Relationships Aren’t Found. They’re Built.
I don’t believe there is one magical human being somewhere out there who removes the need for relationship skills. Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. Compatibility matters. Shared values matter. Absolutely. But eventually every relationship brings something else into the room: Two histories. Two nervous systems. Two sets of fears. Two sets of expectations. Two completely different interpretations of what just happened five minutes ago. 😂 That’s when love gets interesting. The fantasy says: “If we’re right for each other, this should be easy.” Reality says: “Welcome to the gym.” Because love requires reps. Learning how to communicate when you’re triggered. Reps. Learning to listen without preparing your rebuttal. Reps. Learning how to apologize without adding: ”…BUT here’s what you did.” Lots of reps. 😏 Learning boundaries. Learning vulnerability. Learning emotional responsibility. Learning how to repair after hurting someone. Learning how to tell the truth before resentment does it for you. These are practices. And that’s a big reason I created Love Is A Skill. I don’t want this to become another place where we collect great quotes about relationships while repeating the same patterns at home. Information is useful. Experience is transformational. So we’re going to practice. We’re going to have conversations. Try exercises. Ask uncomfortable questions. Look at patterns. Tell the truth. Listen differently. And occasionally discover: “Ohhhhh… I do that.” That’s where transformation gets interesting. Today’s question: Finish this sentence: “My relationships would immediately improve if I became better at __________.” Don’t overthink it. What’s the first answer that comes up?
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002: You Can Love Someone and Still Be Bad at Loving Them
This was one of the harder lessons for me to learn: Having good intentions doesn’t automatically make us good at relationships. You can deeply love someone… …and still hurt them. You can be loyal… …and still be emotionally unavailable. You can have incredible chemistry… …and still lack the skills necessary to sustain intimacy. You can desperately want connection… …and unconsciously do things that push people away. I’ve learned some of my most important relationship lessons through places none of us like putting on a résumé. My relationships. My divorce. My mistakes. My insecurities. The conversations I avoided. The moments I tried to look confident when underneath it I was afraid. The times I wanted someone else to change so I wouldn’t have to look at myself. Relationships have an annoying little habit: They reveal us. 😂 They show us where we’re loving. And where we’re afraid. Where we’re generous. And where we’re controlling. Where we’re present. And where we’re protecting ourselves. That’s why I believe relationships can become one of the greatest personal-development paths available to us. Our partner isn’t just somebody you’re trying to get along with. Our relationship becomes a mirror. And sometimes that mirror says: “Hey buddy… maybe this one’s yours.” 😏 That’s uncomfortable. But it’s also powerful. Because once I can see my pattern, I have a choice. I can blame. I can defend. I can repeat it. Or… I can practice something different. Question for you: Think about one pattern that has followed you through multiple relationships. What keeps showing up? No need to psychoanalyze yourself. Just notice it. Awareness is where the work begins.
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I believe Love is a Skill, rooted in Emotional Intelligence. The Skills and Disciplines required to have healthy relationships, take Daily Practice.
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