The Drift · LIGHT ARMY

Denise Purdy

4d • 💬 Gen Chat

The Drift

Thank you for the last two breakthrough labs.

They’ve been incredibly helpful for me as I sort through this phase of life.

A year ago I was blessed with the opportunity to release any responsibility to contribute to our family finances.

A beautiful blessing.

But it also feels like a curse. (Though I know it’s not).

A blessing in that I’ve let go of all the parts of my business that don’t bring me joy, been able to rest when this perimenoupause body demands it and be present for my oldest daughter when she welcomed our first grandbaby. ❤️❤️❤️

A curse- I’ve felt lost for most of the last year.

Who am I without the roles and responsibilities I used to have? (I do still have some as I still have a 15 year old at home.🤪) who am I if I’m not achieving the same level of “success”, making the same level of output etc etc. (

I know the true answer to that but it doesn’t mean my ego doesn’t have something else to say about it.🤣 Or that I don’t feel the gap)

And also a blessing because I have the freedom and space to ponder, consider and even play with who do I want to be now? How do I want to show up in the world? How do I want to run my business? Who do I want to work with?

And also these same questions have felt like a curse.

The last year felt huge to me in terms of transitions.

Remarried, moved into a dream home, became a grandma and graduated another high schooler. 😅

At times, it’s felt like too much. And also- so much I’m grateful for.

I watched my oldest, the one I chose a different life for and because of, become a mom. I watched her navigate mothering with patience and grace, even during her most exhausted moments.

And couldn’t help but see how full circle my life had come and even the reason I began my own personal development journey- so that she had a better chance at life, being a present and patient mom and most of all- being ready to be a parent.

I still get emotional thinking about this! 😭

Back to the blessing/curse dilemma- my identity has been whipped around over the last 6 years. And while I feel like I’m making my way out of the dust, those same questions feel like a curse because I know I’m required to answer them from a different version of me.

The version of me that creates from desire, not pressure, the version of me most connected to her creativity, her heart. That I know.

But damn if the letting go of the part of me that achieved and hustled doesnt haunt me.

And that’s the part I’m struggling with.

My body doesn’t seem available for much that requires a high level of energy and also I’m numb and bored without contribution and connection.

So it seems like everytime I consider moving toward a target I meet resistance. I know this is normal and expected but I simply cannot seem to move through it.

Any of the previous strategies I’ve used to move through blocks is not helping and my usual way of pushing myself through a workout, challenging my body- is also a huge challenge. It’s physically and energetically expensive for me to do these things.

I don’t know that I am really asking for anything in this moment.

Sometimes, just the space to be seen is enough to move the energy.

Thanks for reading my novel. 😅❤️

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The Drift