Day 1
Okay so far I watch a Comedy show.
For the Have Fun exercises.
Haha
I would not have done that today. I was all : okay super task oriented today. Not able to have fun truly, as what brings fun feels like it's organising myself better and better each day. That feels honestly like fun.
Or resting and enjoying things in a relaxed way.
( have such a hard time relaxing and enjoying. Cause I'm always like : okay what's next. Oh Lord, I need to fix this and that and become clear and know where I'm going. Cause I use to know at few points in my life, and then burn outs and nervous break down, and now I feel like I'm crawling out of a hole. And it's going up and down. A lot of shakiness and weakness (energetically and muscle wise) , brain fogs and such. Slow at processing, or perhaps more like, I have a challenging time saying no to things, so I still continue doing too much and then I need to process it, and I simply don't allow myself enough time to do that. And then as I wrote above, I'm also like "Okay Damn. Go. You need to fix this and that and get your life back together !!!" ) Anyway rare are the moments I sit down or lay down and watch something fun / funny.
Now I feel like I wanna need to do a lot of stuff and I look awful and I am hungry and .... hhhhh
I wish I had time to allow myself to have more fun like Dance to music until I can't dance anymore hahah
Or meet my partner and laugh and have fun and not think of all the challenges we want to solve blablalabl
Or meet a girl friend and connect and laugh , dance, be girls...
Or watch a really good movie with friends
Or do some Improv Theatre exercises
I have many ideas for fun.
BUT !!!! and....
I am now feeling some panic, as I'd like to go further with it, and maybe dance a bit to a song, or go for a walk in this beautiful weather, as I wrote, I have quite a few ideas, but.... I did something I tend to do.... x( which is, a bit earlier I wrote my partner to come by after his little niece's birthday party that he is at now, and , I did it quite spontaneously, without checking if
- I'll be done with my own practice.
- I'll have enough energy to mix and merge with him ?
- we have been having a challenging time and my boundaries were crossed and I had said no to meeting up for 2 days now, and I was like "I'm gonna take time for myself and really get clear inside me, before I allow myself to meet him. To make sure I don't fall off balance or that we don't go into a draining loop we have sometimes ( and it happened recently again ) fallen into.
Now I feel panic and like I : " oh no I'm not ready !!! what if I fall out of balance and I dont get back on track with this 30 days challenge by tomorrow"
Anyway some old panic I tend to go into, which then also blocks me from simply enjoying seeing my partner when he finally arrives. And maybe do "something fun" with him, instead of going in to "we need to talk"
Truth is: I want to talk and feel clear.
Unfortunately I am not yet clear.
And now I invited him, and I regret it somehow, not because I dont want to see him, but because I'm in panic I'm not ready.
Sorry can't stop writing this was going to be such a short and small message of " I did it" and then simply saying what I did.
But this is ...hhhh
I'm just afraid of loosing myself that's all.
Yet I crave feeling connection. When the connection goes well with him or a friend, I tend to feel better afterwards and more energised, and able to do more actually.
But what if it gets dysfunctional and I end up feeling trapped and drained ??
😟
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Day 1
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