29d (edited) • Motivation/thoughts/quotes💡
Embracing the Messy Middle (How to Overcome Sense of Defeat)
*Feel free to skip the intro and go into the strategies at the bottom if you'd like!***
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A few weeks ago, I felt like I hit a wall. (That sounds more extra than it is/was). I was looking around at all the things that I wanted to do and how it felt like I wasn't making any progress and also how it felt that forces outside of myself were impeding movement even when I had the energy/motivation/oomph to make things happen. I felt defeated and that is a feeling that I DO NOT experience often and I DID NOT like it one bit.
I bounce back, I pivot, I change course, I remain optimistic-perhaps even delusionally so, ha!
In short, I show up. I see opportunities for growth and improvement in most situations, so it's hard for me to stay down. I love this about myself so it felt extra challenging when it felt like I was stuck and when it felt like I wasn't myself. Strange feeling.
I only remember feeling like this maybe 3 other times in my life. Thankfully, each time, there was a 'cause' or things that I can point to that needed tending to, so experience has taught me that this was solvable but I needed the reminder. (So super thankful for the conversations that I've had recently that helped me with recalibration. Beyond grateful).
I also needed to recognize three things: 1) the values that were at play that contributed to me thinking that I had limited options , 2)the expectations and 3)the strategies to employ to get me back to feeling like movement was happening.
Look at me being a human being. Who would have thought?! ha. I'm just kidding, I know I'm a human.
Below I'm going to focus on some research backed strategies to help with reframing our mindset and keep the momentum alive even when things feel like they're not moving. :)
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1. 1. 𝐈𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐲 "𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐩" 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 "𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞"
First, know that what you’re feeling is actually a normal part of any bold venture.
- 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐩:
- Seth Godin describes this as the long slog between "beginner’s luck" and true mastery. The Dip is a shortcut because it acts as a screen that keeps others out; if you can push through it, you reach the "Short Head" where the rewards are highest. :) Yay!! So....persevere!
- 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞:
- This is the point in a project where everything seems to fall apart. It is often triggered by missed deadlines or simply the passage of time. Just knowing that the "mess" is an inevitable, natural part of the process can make it less upsetting when it arrives.
2. 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 "𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐒𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞"
When we feel defeated, we often talk to ourselves in ways that make things worse.
- 𝐀𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 "3 𝐏𝐬"
- Pessimists tend to view setbacks as Permanent ("I’ll never finish this"), Pervasive ("I’m a failure at everything"), and Personal ("I’m just not smart enough").
- 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐮𝐭𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬
- Don't treat your negative thoughts as gospel. Act like a detective. Ask: What is the actual evidence for this thought? Is there an alternative explanation? Reframing a setback as temporary and specific helps you bounce back faster.
- **I think that it's helpful to understand what values are at play that are contributing to this kind of self talk. What kind of underlying need are you trying to meet in this process?***
3. 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 "𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐬"
Big goals can induce paralysis because they are overwhelming.
- 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐥𝐞 (This was one of the reminders that I got that was super helpful)
- Research shows that making progress in meaningful work is the single most common trigger for a great day. Write down even the smallest wins daily! Do it!
- 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦:
- Redefine your problem at a smaller scale so a concrete, controllable outcome is possible. These smaller goals build self-efficacy which provides us the energy/fire for the next steps.
4. 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐜 𝐓𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 (this was also part of one of the helpful conversations)
When hope feels low, move from abstract "thinking" to concrete "planning."
- 𝐓𝐡𝐞 10-𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐭𝐞 𝐑𝐮𝐥𝐞:
- If you’re avoiding a task, commit to working on it for just 10 minutes. Getting started is often the hardest part, and you'll usually find you can keep going once the timer stops.
- 𝐖𝐎𝐎𝐏 (𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐡, 𝐎𝐮𝐭𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞, 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞, 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐧):
- Instead of just positive fantasizing (which can actually decrease effort :( ), use"𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠"
- Imagine your success, then immediately identify the realistic obstacle in your way and create an "If-Then" plan (e.g., "If I get distracted by my phone, then I will put it in another room").
- Mix it up: If you hit a learning plateau, vary your patterns or sources. Stressing your brain in new ways can help you break through when progress feels invisible.
5. 𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 3𝐑𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞
Prepare for the tough days by strengthening your foundation :)
- 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐬:Align your time, money, and talent up front so you aren't depleted halfway through.
- 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬: Identify who can help you through the mess, whether it’s a mentor, a "study buddy," or an accountability partner (I initially withdrew from others--something that I don't necessarily do--but then I leaned in and this was the most helpful thing as they helped remind me of all the other things that were beneficial).
- 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞:Practice gratitude and appreciation early on; these build the "speed of your response to adversity".
What about you? How do you handle that feeling when a project slows to a crawl? Would love to hear some strategies in the comments! :)
𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐋: 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐧 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐣𝐞𝐜𝐭/𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐈:
Ruminate: I replay the situation in my head over and over, obsessively analyzing what went wrong instead of taking action
Procrastinate: I avoid the "wall" by doing easier, trivial tasks or distracting myself with TV and social media because getting started feels too heavy
Rescale for a "Small Win": I break the overwhelming goal into a tiny, concrete, controllable outcome to build my confidence back up
Actively Dispute my Critic: I act like a "detective" to find evidence against my negative thoughts, proving the setback is temporary and specific.
Build my "3Rs": I step away to fortify my foundation by seeking support (Relationships), aligning my Resources, and practicing gratitude (Resilience)
Become Passive: I stop trying entirely because I’ve started to believe that nothing I do matters, a state researchers call "learned helplessness"
Settle for a Plateau: I stop pushing myself because I believe I’ve reached an "implacable limit" to my talent or ability, so I just stay where it’s comfortable
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Embracing the Messy Middle (How to Overcome Sense of Defeat)
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