Know who you are. This has been a constant message from the C12 my entire life. It also happens to be the most important one. Knowing who I AM acknowledges all things manifest through me….not for me…they do not arrive by external measures. They manifest through me—via my power, belief structure, my knowingness and my ability to trust the process and Source itself. Knowing there is nothing I must DO to effect anything in my life is to live resistance-free. Knowing that simply BEing allows for preferred possibilities to arise in my awareness is mind blowing. BEing is not about sitting around languishing. It is breathing in magic and feeling the joy of it as you go about your day. “BEing’ is the intent with which you move and the inspired action you take instead of the ‘hurry up and get things done’. The latter represents the details and societal conditioning we have learned to obey. Know who you are. I AM the power. I AM the miracle in motion. I AM the magic. I AM love. I AM peace. In knowing who you are, you deliberately live life–instead of life living you.

I had another strange dream last night, and it has me wondering if there is something my subconscious or perhaps something deeper, is trying to tell me. For quite a while now, I’ve noticed a recurring theme in my dreams. I am always searching for somewhere I can be completely alone and private, usually because I need to take a shower or use the bathroom. But I can never find anywhere. There are always people around. Bathrooms have no privacy, showers are exposed, people can walk in, or there is simply nowhere I can go where I can close a door and be completely by myself. The longer I search, the more anxious I become. There is this growing feeling of desperation: I just need somewhere private. Another strange recurring part of my dreams is my eyes. 👀 My eyes are closed, or almost impossible to open, yet somehow I can still see what is happening around me. I keep trying to force my eyes open, but they feel incredibly heavy. I am exhausted and struggling to stay awake or fully present, even though I am still moving through the dream and somehow seeing everything. Then last night, in the middle of all of this, something completely unexpected happened. I was looking at a table when suddenly a kitten dropped out of it. 🐱 I immediately called him Sherlock. He was orange and white stripped with blue eyes. Strange right? Then I started thinking that if I were going to keep him, I should probably give him an Irish name that would go with Finnegan, my existing cat. And apparently my dreaming brain thought this was perfectly reasonable. 😂.. But underneath the funny parts, the recurring pieces are really starting to bother me. Why am I always searching for privacy? Why am I constantly trying to find somewhere I can shower, go to the bathroom, or simply be alone without someone being able to see me? Why can I see perfectly well when my eyes are closed? And why am I always fighting so hard to open them when I am absolutely exhausted? Then, in the middle of that anxiety and searching, why does this tiny unexpected kitten suddenly appear?

I have been struggling lately with executing ideas I have. So I decided to figure out why by asking Chatgpt to help find the root of the issue. I really want to break this Paradigm. After our discussion, I asked Chat to write me a problem statement so I could put words to my struggle. Here is me being vulnerable and posting it in hopes to get some help on how to address it because everything I've tried is not working. Problem Statement🤔 I have spent much of my life believing that my value has to be earned. I do not naturally trust that I am worthy simply because I exist. I tend to measure myself by what I can accomplish, how competent I am, how useful I am, how much I contribute, and whether what I do matters to someone else. Because of that, being a beginner feels threatening. Practising feels indulgent. Making mistakes feels like evidence that I am not capable enough. Spending time on something that brings me joy but does not immediately help someone or produce a meaningful result can feel selfish, pointless, or wasteful. I often become excited by an idea and genuinely want to pursue it. I buy the supplies, imagine the outcome, make plans, and feel energized. But once the idea requires uncertainty, repetition, experimentation, failure, or time without a guaranteed payoff, I begin to doubt myself. I freeze. I overthink. I delay. Eventually the unfinished project becomes another piece of evidence I use against myself. The painful truth is that I have been asking myself to prove that I deserve my own time. I have treated my interests, curiosity, creativity, pleasure, and development as less important than what I can provide for other people. I have behaved as though my life only becomes meaningful when it is useful outside of me. And that belief is costing me parts of my life. It keeps me from becoming the photographer I could become, learning the skills I want to learn, making things with my hands, trying new experiences, following my curiosity, and discovering what I am capable of.