18d • Questions & Support
My Daily Reality Right Now
Lately, the day-to-day struggle has been overwhelming. I’ve been dating someone I care about for over a year, and I’m currently living with her and our two small dogs in her condo here in Wisconsin. But last night something hit hard: she got upset about my job situation and everything I still need to do. And the truth is, I’ve been battling something I don’t know how to fully explain.
I struggle with task paralysis. When too many things are added to my plate, or when someone keeps telling me what I should be doing, something inside me freezes. I’ve even learned there’s a term for it — pathological demand avoidance — where the more pressure I feel, the harder it becomes to take action.
My girlfriend is a planner. A micromanager. She means well, but when she starts going over my “to-do list” and adding more items, my brain sends out a panic alarm. I feel the anxiety rising, even though I’ve gotten very good at hiding it. She keeps explaining why I should have no excuse not to get things done… but that only makes it worse.
I know what I need to do. I know the steps I need to take for me. But sometimes it feels like the more pressure I get, the more I shut down. And that’s when the dark thoughts try to creep in. Not actions — I’m completely safe — but the “Why bother? Why try? Why am I here?”kind of thoughts that come from feeling overwhelmed and not good enough.
The truth is, life has hit me hard the last few years. I lost my marriage, my home, my family, and my career identity. I’m trying to rebuild. I’m starting over. And I’m doing it while trying to find a new career after 20 years as a data engineer — a field that has changed so much that I feel like a relic sometimes. I haven’t updated my cloud skills, and I’ve been out long enough that rejection feels like the only thing I’m being trained for.
I can’t control who calls me for an interview. I can only control the applications I send. But every application feels like another chance to be told “no,” and that wears on you.
So I’m trying to take it 1% at a time. Yesterday I was maybe at a “20 out of 100” for what I could handle. That’s all the spoons I had. And today, I just want to do 1% better than yesterday.
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My Daily Reality Right Now
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