Wow! Tonight I had this sharp feeling in my boob. It gave me a flashback to pain I’ve had before when I had a cancer boob and lymph system. My wisdom told me it’s ok and gently guided me away. My brain, however, had other ideas and dragged me right back to that place. The place of oh my fucking god, please please please help me! There’s no denying it, cancer is scary. Cancer, in and of itself isn’t, but the way our mind weaves worst case scenarios into the narrative is. The worst thing though, is that the fear is as dangerous as the cancer. Fear helps drive the growth and spread of the disease. But the fear grabs you and grips you in a death hold. It tells you that you are going to die. And it creates this sense of total loss of control over life and health. It’s torturous, so fucking torturous. Even years of getting good blood work and no evidence of disease, that fear is still there, waiting in the wings for its spotlight moment. I have worked so hard on myself, on my mindset and my ability to recognise wisdom from chatter. I have healed myself from metastatic breast cancer, and I’d do it again. So in those moments of falling for the mental bullshit, a part of me is like a pit bull waiting to take down any sign of cancer. I get fierce and I stand strong, and that’s great. But what I do after that big pep talk and fierce self protection; is to yield. Just yield. I allow that intense sensation of nail biting fear, wash over me. Head to toe, wherever it lands. I’m just aware of it. I don’t react to it, I just let it be there, until it’s no longer there. Tonight it brought me tears. The tears were tears I hadn’t cried before. They were love for myself and everything I’d been through, that I hadn’t yet processed. Giving space to those tears was reaching out and giving myself the love that I needed, that I need. The tears were fleeting, but they were acknowledged and given space. That’s healing in a nutshell. It’s not big and fancy, it’s a series of small gestures of presence for ourselves. It’s allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we feel in that moment and not asking for it to be any different. It can’t be different, because in that moment it isn’t.

So, my daughters love going to the annual local music festival. This year I bought a weekend ticket and popped in and out. The weather was pretty bonkers, heavy heavy rain and wind. This made for a muddy, damp festival. Thank goodness I live up the road to be able to pop home and grab dry clothes etc. Anyway, last year with the pressure of needing to be present for the girls, my body went into shut down and I was in pain. This year I managed to make it through the festival for the pain to start the day it ended. Alas, a few days later and I’m feeling much better. This pattern has shaped my life. It’s not conscious, because consciously I’m relaxing my body and mind. It’s all happening below the surface in the deepest chasms of my subconscious. I heard somewhere this last week that on a brain scan, physical and emotional pain registered in exactly the same places. (I do wish, I’d remember to document these facts). It’s interesting though…. It’s 4.04am and I should really get back to sleep. Sending 🧡

Not so long ago, I’d beat myself up for lack of consistency with business. After all, consistency is what makes a business, right? I don’t know? I’ve never managed to build one with all of my skills and passions. I’ve tried many many many times to move forward, but each time I do, my body goes into a pain pattern and my mind goes BLANK. Not a little bit blank, but proper black out of all of my learning and lived experience. I literally feel like despite the years of living and the years of learning, like I have no understanding of anything in particular. This pattern is protecting me from financial independence, because to that little girl, financial independence is death! It’s being ousted from the crowd and it’s downright dangerous. Like a gazelle being separated from the herd as the lion hunts it. That’s what my body and mind make of financial freedom. I’ve been tirelessly doing the work, to give myself safety. I do Alpha Tapping, I do Somatic Experiencing, I meditate, I do nervous system work. I’ve been working towards making safety the default. But after 51 years of being hyper vigilant and in freeze or fawn, it’s a long journey towards safety. Safety is available in every moment, but when my default locks in, safety has gone, run for hills. It’s nowhere to be felt, because not being hyper vigilant was so dangerous. But I’m willing and I’m doing the work and that is where my consistency is. It hasn’t translated into financial freedom, but I trust in time that it will. I just don’t know how. All my life this has been the case and my body has dictated my financial state. It has affected every part of my work and education. I have no pension or retirement plan. I have single handedly parented my kids full time for the past 8 years and 80% before that, whilst their dad has created a lovely nest egg for himself financially. I’ve balanced parenting, cancer, chronic pain and extreme lethargy with trying so hard to create some kind of financial stability. It hasn’t worked. On Wednesday I have an appointment to speak to Nathan from Universal Credit about the money I receive in benefits from the government. It’s degrading and sad.