Stuckness 🫶 Sharing my reflection

I was thinking about what Holly said on the call about how to not get stuck and I just felt some discomfort in that because I was like "well, I don’t feel stuck so what is she talking about?" But then I sat with it and realized… I have been stuck in this space of processing hehe 😜

I’m a professional at coming up with routines and plans and organizing for self-improvement. I’ll sit and write in my planner.. I’m so organized on the outside but there’s this lack of embodiment and of actually taking consistent action. I’ll take some action but then the perfectionist part of me steps in and says it’s not good enough so I go back into refinement and more processing lol

What I’m realizing is that where I’m stuck is in not wanting to step out of that processing space which has become my comfort zone. It’s given me a sense of control. If I can plan it, if I can organize it, then I’m in control.

But where I’ve been stuck is in avoiding the actual commitment. The devotion of showing up despite it not being “perfect”. Even if I don’t do everything exactly the way I feel I “should”.. still allowing that to be enough.

There’s a pattern in me of starting and then stopping, over and over again. And I think what I’m moving through right now is the realization that I’ve actually already curated and crafted the most aligned structure and container for myself. There’s literally nothing else I need to add or refine.

I’ve spent years healing, curating, and refining. I’m literally looking at this huge whiteboard in my living room with everything written out and I’m like, this is it. There’s nothing more to plan. The only thing left to do is show up.

And it’s not about showing up for a perfect plan.. it’s about stepping into the person I know I already am. The person I know I can be. Accepting that the process itself is the becoming. It won’t be perfect. But that’s not the point.

So now I’m in the process of retraining myself.

Embodiment is safe.

Being seen is safe.

Becoming is safe.

And the imperfection of it is more than enough.

Even though there’s a protector part of me that’s kept me in this loop of processing, I haven’t given up on myself. Through divorce, through drug addiction, through disconnection from my body.. I’ve never given up. There’s been this deep devotion to keep trying. Even in the loop, I’ve been consistent in my refusal to abandon myself.

And now, it’s just about learning that it’s safe to actually live the becoming.. Because the becoming is not going to be comfortable and that’s the edge I have been at.

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