Learning that just being is enough 🌱

This year I’ve been moving through some profound shifts that have completely transformed the person I am. It feels like all the years of being in this community has been one big ayahuasca trip that I’ve spent the last 5 months integrating 😅. The thing that I have been struggling with is putting it all into words. Most of what I have moved through has been felt in my body and as time has gone by - clarity has come through as a by product but not necessarily in words. I feel it in my cells, I feel it in my heart and I feel it as deep knowing within.

What has come up for me lately is this wound of not feeling understood or seen.. and because I haven’t been able to fully articulate all that I’ve moved through, it almost feels like these shifts have just been happening in complete silence.. no words. No perfectly articulated message or a profound single realization.. so for the part of me that deeply desires validation.. did the shifts even happen at all? If I haven’t had a profound shift that I can articulate perfectly into art - does it even matter?

As I sit with myself in that - i realized that the part of me that cares is a little girl that learned:

“If they don't clap, if they don't respond, if they don't reflect me... maybe I don't exist.

Maybe I'm not lovable unless I'm doing something people can see.”

Ooofff so many tears have moved through me feeling the pain of the little girl that equated her worth with something she needed to “do” or “become” .. recognition equaled safety growing up and the absence of that felt like complete abandonment.

I’m holding two parts - the part of me that has done the work and knows deeply that my worth is INHERENT while also seeing / feeling the part of me that still hurts when I’m not able to be acknowledged in it all.

And I will admit, I’ve wanted to push that part away for so long.

Why the f do I care?

If I didn’t care - then I’d be able to show up authentically without this performative desire to have to prove anything??

It felt like she was in the way..

but the truth is I deeply care not because I’m “weak” but because my soul came here to connect and not to preform.

I care because my worth was never mirrored back to me as a little girl and the biggest truth of all is that I care because I’m human.

I went through a really disorienting ego death after my grandpa passed away.. it triggered a deep fear I had around death, identify loss, spiritual bypassing, transcendence over embodiment...

I was facing the existential fear..

“If I dissolve into everything, do I just disappear into nothingness?”

(thank you

@Holly Achaya

for guiding me into that 🫶)

What I realized in the depth of that question was an INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL desire to be alive and human. Exactly where I am, In this freaking incredibly intelligent human body.

I don’t want to escape life, I want to live it fully.

So yeah I’ve been moving through things that have been hard to fully articulate and I’ve changed in ways that don’t have language (yet).

And honestly a part of me felt scared that if I don’t share what I’ve been moving through perfectly - I’ll just disappear and become irrelevant. If I’m not visibly shifting then that means I’m not valid?

But the truth is I’ve been quietly softening, rooting, grounding, planting, seeding… loving myself without needing to explain it. Going back to the basics that aren’t necessarily this huge flashy or loud shift..

And maybe the shift is learning that just being is enough even if it’s just me that notices it.

And maybe I am laying down the groundwork for something sacred to be born .. something I can share and maybe what that is, is just myself? My presence being the offering.. even if right now I am still learning how to let that be enough. ❤️

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