Dreamt of a familiar place, like how home used to be when we were younger. Same rooms, same beds, same blankets, but a short hallway in between the rooms. I didn’t think much of it nor did I even notice it until later. I lived daily life like I used to when I was a child. Playing guitar in the room, going outside to catch the bus, and coming back home to food on the table. “This seems familiar… like I’ve lived like this before. Hmmm” I began to notice all the crevices in reality began to distort, like memory trying to make sense of what it was. I felt lonely, as if I was missing something. Then one day I said “I wonder where my parents have gone. I know dad is gone somewhere on a trip he loves, but mom is somewhere near I just don’t know where. Maybe at Kookims or at her best friends like Cristina or Mary, or Tanya, or Karen.” I didn’t know where else she would be. I started thinking long hard in this dreamscape. Wait. Dads gone. But mom’s still around. Where did she go, was she running or hiding or just waiting? I woke up in my friends room looking up at the ceiling still hoping this was a dream. Still hoping that mom was at her friends. Then came showers all across my face. No one’s ever around when I cry like that. I wish someone was. Mom was, she was waiting for me to break like that. Oh her heart must be so heavy, the same as mine, she still carries it. I let dad go, but never did I let mom go. She was my golden chariot in every which direction, every person I’ve been. I’ve been steered astray without her. Sure I have the might and tenacity like my father, but my mother’s kindred spirit she carry’s, that I cannot accept it for the wrong I’ve done. I need atonement an absolution, a journey alone like she had, even in her younger years it was her alone taking care of everything. On her own terms she made it happen for her family, us. This part of her spirit I cannot carry, not just yet. This grief is something I never wish for anyone, not even those who have wronged me the most. The only way forward is to endure and grow, accept the challenges and become anew. A better version of what I’m supposed to be. but most times I just wanna be cradled in her arms one last time. Not holding a box.

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And so I doubted once again And so I asked what could have been And as my own soul was carried within I’ve still doubted what will be done Not because I am scared for my life But for others around me This terror all around me This anguish in every eyes that met mine This need for answers made untrue A long and painful journey ahead of us all A necessary divine sacrifice will be needed To usher in the spirit of our Creator And I so I ask Here am I! Send me! but I still doubted, even after death

Carpe Diem To live is to be free of all restraints you put yourself in. To live as if you will die the next second. To feel whole experiences all within the second before. It is in your will and power to put your in a position that you never thought you would be in. Nevermind the regret and the pain you will eventually endure, endure it anyway. For life is a glimpse of beautiful memories you will carry on to the next era with your soul. Love and free yourself from these shackles. Seize the Day

If my heart wasn’t already broken enough, the sparrows would eat me alive. Doves would circle around waiting for me to give mercy. I stay abandoned on the ground until I’m ready to get back up. Lady lost my heart again, all because the sparrows from before came to me. Our doves tears drop everywhere I go. Regardless I’d still love. Proven to me first, then I will love endlessly.