Apr 8 • General discussion
The will to love.
*TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Suicidal ideation & C-PTSD*
I want to be stupidly honest.
Tonight, Happy tears roll down my face as I write this in my bed.. (that’s on the floor) of my FIRST duplex, both girls asleep in their very own rooms.
It’s taken a lot to get here, all of which was 99.8% unplanned. I never know, but God always does.
I got divorced 4 years ago this month… and it feels like an eternity ago.
I remember laying in bed looking at my ex husband thinking, “if I don’t get out of this, I’m going to kill myself”. Leaving my kids wasn’t an option. I needed help, all alarms were firing. But I didn’t know, and I kept going because I had shit to do…
I don’t know if many of you know this, but at that time I moved into the basement of my parents house with an almost 2 year old and an almost 5 year old.
Voluntarily, My mom & dad became my survival partners. I was in a horrific & debilitating depression. Not sleeping, not enough anti-depressants or sleeping med’s to keep me out longer than 2/3 hours at a time.
I was back in my hometown facing everyone who seemingly had it all together with their high school sweethearts at their sides; while I was running ragged & half cocked in between drop off’s and night shift.
I worked full time weekend option to be there during the week for my babies & put myself through my masters program working nightshift.
I had copious amounts of debt because shopping didn’t make me feel better, but I sure tried!
I prioritized paying off my debts with the luxury of living rent free in la casa de parents (hehe). I plugged away broke, broken & empty and paid off $65,000 in debt.
In case you missed it, I said SIXTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS IN DEBT.
When I moved home Eevie still had a pacifier, Cora was about to start kindergarten; and I was an adult child freshly out of a failed marriage because I carried a lot of baggage with no idea how to unpack it.
I didn’t even know that I had baggage to be honest, everyone else was the problem, not me! Back then, I was doing everything I could to the best of my abilities. “MY ABILITIES*”. (We can all laugh together). But I had no idea that my heart was in a bad way.
I discovered I was BRCA2+, (breast cancer gene variant) & underwent phase 1 of a prophylactic mastectomy, because if anything kills me it won’t be breast cancer.
My first born Louie(dog) who had been with me my entire young adult life and into my kids lives died suddenly in the backyard…
I was burnt out at my job. I went from working on the ambulance, to the ER as a Nurse. Then when the world got a break, I got overtime working full time in the COVID ICU.
Pair all of this unresolved & untouched trauma, crippling debt, C-PTSD, a crumbling marriage, daddy/abandonment issues, the self worth of your local roadside McDonald’s trash bag, one baby still on the teet, losing my hair and my patience… and another kiddo who was learning her ABC’s & you got a full blown F-5 momma about to blow & wreak havoc on anything within a 5 mile radius.
Abruptly, I reflect… All that to say, NOW I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
I still have a lot to unpack, physically and metaphorically.. But I’ve got so much more to be grateful for. It is one thing to accept, and another to continue to strive.
Life didn’t go the way I imagined it as a kid.
If I had it my way I wouldn’t drive halfway to Arkansas twice every other weekend for kid swap.
I’d have a loving husband. I would have been a loving wife.
I would have a boat, maybe a nice house on land & an AT-V or two with some chickens. 🐓
But, the thing is- God led me through this and I’ve dropped my expectations. I’ve learned to accept what is… and my suffering is IMMENSELY less.
My story isn’t over, this is just a blurb.. but tonight I’m grateful, & If you’re struggling I hope you know it’s not over for you yet either.
That it does get better, the hardship is the rebuilding, and what God takes away, he gives back 10 fold. And maybe, JUST MAYBE he’s breaking down what we thought we wanted to give us exactly what we need; beyond our wildest imagination.
0
0 comments
The will to love.
powered by
skool.com/cornered-by-truth-4884
This page will either trigger you or change you. Maybe both. Truth, growth, and unapologetic becoming.
Suggested communities
Powered by