Oct 8 • General Chat
Why Obsessing Over Body Language Is Killing Your Social Life
Most of my social interactions became better once I stopped obsessing over having the perfect body language.
The internet is filled with advice that is supposed to “help you.”
But it did the opposite for me. Heck, it made me even worse when it comes to social interactions.
“Sit up straight!”
“Don’t cross your arms!”
“Smile or it’s rude otherwise!”
“Nod often, but not too often that you seem like a bobble head.”
“Use gestures, but don’t show your palms too often, that’s a sign of weakness!”
“Make sure you’re making strong eye contact, but not more than 5 sec, that’s creepy!”
All of this advice became counterintuitive because I used to spend most of my time overthinking my moves instead of the conversations themselves.
It was no different than being sandwiched by two walls that are moving towards your body to crush you.
Because one side of your mind is trying to help you with the information.
While the other is trying to correct you so “you don’t give off the wrong signals.”
“My smile isn’t proper yet…I should smile more or it’ll come across as dismissive!”
“Oh should I place my hands this way…NO that’s a weak body language position.”
“Shit, I’m tired of sitting up straight, I wanna lean back. NO WAIT, I CAN’T, that’ll give people the wrong signal.”
And this is where I found myself becoming socially worse.
I found myself constantly battling inside my mind, trying to balance these two voices.
And to other people…I was this shy, awkward guy who didn’t have much say in a conversation.
No wonder that happened because all the conversations were happening inside my head.
And I zoned out half of the time, and couldn’t pace myself with the flow of the conversation.
In groups, everybody reacted & responded, but I found myself to be too ‘slow’ to even catch up.
“What was that?” I often asked after missing an obviously clear & loud joke.
This made me even more self-conscious, and that little voice became a huge monster.
A monster that started to haunt me by hurling bitter things at me whenever I was behind in a conversation.
“That was dumb of you!”
“Why would you even ask that?!”
“Who even says that?!”
This was how my brain scolded me after every failed interaction.
My self-confidence shrank so much that it almost became nonexistent.
I knew I HAD to change…but I didn’t know how.
Apart from that, I also found myself completely exhausted after every social interaction.
I thought it was because I’m an introvert and have limited social battery…(this wasn’t the reason)
For the longest time, I couldn’t get a clear answer as to why that happened.
“I drink a lot of water, I’m not speaking much, then why do I feel drained every time I’m in a social environment?”
This was a question I repeated to myself with many variations.
And then it finally revealed to me…
And it wasn’t short of any revelation…
I figured that…Most of my energy was focused on having the perfect body language.
Instead, all my energy should be directed toward the conversations themselves.
And that was one of my first 'light bulb' moments… let me explain.
You see, as humans, we have finite mental bandwidth.
Think of it like RAM on your phone/computer.
If you run so many tasks, it’ll even slow down…or even crash.
The same is with our energy.
If we’re putting too much energy into body language, it is gonna deplete our energy that should otherwise be going into conversations instead.
And think about it…do you obsess over body language when you’re talking to your closest friends?
Do you think you should make 3-5 sec long eye contact
And then smile so you don’t come across as rude.
And then use gestures to communicate your point.
No.
Chances are… you and your friends lean back or lie down in a weird way, and shoot the shit for hours.
You’re talking about 20 different topics in depth in a small amount of time.
And you’re not even remotely exhausted. Instead, you're energized.
Heck, you can do this again the next day as well.
Why is that? It’s because you’re in the conversation and not obsessed with body language.
I’m not saying to neglect body language. But for most people, it isn’t a starting point.
It is something that comes later, and it’s natural that way.
Focusing on it at the beginning is the mistake most people make, including me.
And this changed everything for me. And so I tried it out with others.
I made it clear to myself: I will not focus on body language, even if I had the world’s worst body language…just for the sake of experimenting.
And it worked…
Now I went for the weakest body language: I often cross my arms.
Now I usually don’t nod often, and I rarely make eye contact.
And I barely smile now.
And guess what? I’m getting the opposite reactions. The results really shocked me to the core.
I’ve noticed I can talk to anyone for hours without being exhausted.
Now my conversations are flowing, and people are engaged.
And now people have started to take me seriously.
And most importantly, I can listen attentively without zoning out.
Which in turn keeps me in the conversation, and I don’t need to ‘catch up’ to convos.
I realized that people gravitate towards those who appear comfortable and those who listen.
When you stop obsessing over body language, you start to listen.
And when you focus more on ‘coming across as comfortable, you appear comfortable.
And that makes others feel comfortable around you as well.
Even if it means adopting a ‘weak body language’ from the unspoken body language rulebook.
Because then you’ll have the energy to focus on the conversations themselves.
Which is the building block to effective & enjoyable communication.
And this is how you unlock social mastery.
0
0 comments
Why Obsessing Over Body Language Is Killing Your Social Life
powered by
skool.com/cobrasthenics-7347
Join to learn how to defy gravity and gain muscle with the art of calisthenics🐍
Suggested communities
Powered by