Good morning beautiful ones. I am reaching out for support.
Some days living with cptsd kicks my a**.
I find myself in a self-saboatge shame cycle again and this one has been a doozy. Full of overwhelm, avoidance, self-deprecating self talk, binge eating and spending money recklessly. Laying on the couch doom scrolling. Ugh.
I feel shame around not leading a single journey thus far. I did some Journaling this morning and my shame is wrapped around success, that's all that mattered to my ex. If I didn't succeed at something, and I never did in his eyes, I wasnt good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, deserving of anything. I wasn't wife enough or mother enough. I'd never get it right and I'd just mess things up for him to have to fix. Better of just staying in the background as a pretty little thing. Just a trophy wife. More that 20 years of manipulation, control, gaslighting, abuse.
That's the garbage that still runs through my head nearly 10 years later. I'm free now but I'm not. I am so afraid of not succeeding. That fear becomes paralyzing. I numb out, that became my befault survival mechanism. Even though I'm in a safe, loving and supportive marriage now my brain doesn't always believe it. Ive been working on healing my mind, making better connections and associations for my mind.
I know what I need to do but I can't get my mind, body and emotions together to do it.
To that end I am asking for recommendations on journeys to help get me up and over this bump in the road. I haven't done a journey in a couple weeks and I definitely feel the difference. Maybe I need to revisit a journey I've already done? I overthink everything so help me keep it simple!
I know I can't effectively use the medicine of breathwork to help others if I don't use it first to help myself.
Thank you all for being the amazing human beings you are. ❤️