Motherhood

From when I remember myself, all I was dreaming about was to become a mother.. To have a baby, a beautiful, happy, loving family. Fast forward, at the age of 22 I left Athens in Greece, the place where I was born, and came to Cyprus. I felt that I was suffocating there (very strict parents, critical, never felt enough, felt unworthy no matter what I did but this is not the point of the post...) and that everything was better, easier and simpler in Cyprus. Especially for having a family. And they are.

It wasn't easy in the beginning but now I can say that it is the best decision I've made so far.

I found a well-paid job as an accountant, I bought a car, I bought my apartment, everything was going really well. And by the age of 29 I got married. To a really nice, caring, loving man. Life was good. Until we started trying to get pregnant.. And we couldn't. Doctors, tests, drugs, 4 IVFs, nothing.. No matter how hard we were trying, I couldn't keep the babies. The hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the grief, the sadness, the unworthiness, all stayed inside me. I thought that I had to show up as being strong and unaffected of what was going on. To be proud, no matter what.. Until I reached to a point, that I didn't want to hear about trying again and the worst part that I am still ashamed of, I didn't want to be near children.. They were getting at my nerves! I didn't want them. I didn't want them to want me, to be around me, to show me love.. I was numb inside. I felt that there was no purpose in my life, that there was no meaning in life! I was feeling nothing.

All these affected really really bad my relation with my husband but thank God we managed to stay together.

I found the strength to seek help, when my vervous system was not taking it any more and the anxiety, fear of death and panic attacks were uncontrollable. I refused to take drugs and I started yoga therapy, akasha energy healing, I changed my diet. And decided to become a yoga teacher! And later, yoga therapist, because I saw the big shifts that yoga offered me. I wanted to offer this freedom to the whole world! And in 2019, I quitted my job, and became a full time yoga therapist.

I am in a lot better place now, still doing a lot of inner work, and I decided to try breathwork last summer. And I was really excited about the immediate results and changes in my awareness. It was mind blowing and the most powerful therapy I have ever had. Feeling, crying, shouting, screaming like that, was a first for me..

But the most important and profound thing that I would like to share with you, is that in my latest breathwork journey last week, the desire of becoming a mother, came back from nowhere! I was crying for hours, feeling the need to forgive my body for not getting pregnant. To forgive myself for giving up on motherhood. To love me again.. Breathwork did this for me and I am forever grateful. It is a miracle! I don't know what will happen now, I still feel a bit vulnerable, but I am not giving up. Keep breathing with stronger and more loving intentions from now on, and stronger faith that everything is happening from me for me. For my growth. For greatness.

Thank you for reading my story.

Namaste ๐Ÿ™

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