Mar '23 (edited) in General discussion
54 years in PTSD
Good morning beautiful souls. I've been encouraged by 's post "Shame" to share my story. Although it is completely different but it lead to the same effect. Shame, self sabotage, going in circles in life, a lot of unfinished projects, dwelling in the details...etc.
There was a girl who was born 54 years ago. On that day, her grandfather, her mother's father, left the world. The girl lived all her life feeling that she was in the wrong place and in the wrong family. She always told her aunt that she felt that her father and mother were not her father and mother. She lived a different life. Her ideas were different and always outside the box. Her father was always making fun of her and criticizing her in front of people. And her mother was standing and watching because she couldn't open her mouth.
This girl lived until she was 50 years old, and she did not imagine that the death of her grandfather on the day of her birth could be the reason for the emotional gap between her and her mother. This is because her mother always said that her father did not love her and that she did not love him either. This girl had a cousin who was much older than her and was a psychiatrist. And when the girl told her once that she felt that the gap between her and her mother was caused by the death of her grandfather on the day she was born, the psychiatrist denied this and simply said that the mother did not love her father in the first place, so his death made no difference to her. Deep inside, the girl did not believe her cousin’s words. Until, few days before the girl's 54th birthday, she had a problem with her mother, who refused to answer her phone call. Because of the mother's refusal to respond to the girl, the girl preferred not to try to talk to her mother for a month and a half.
And the day she decided to visit her, she learned from her brother that her mother had told him that the birth of this girl was a bad omen, because her father died when she came. Here when the girl's feeling was ascertained, only when her mother finally revealed what’s in her chest.
The girl is now not upset about what happened in the past, but she is not able to see her mother or hear her voice. And she had a strong wish that her mother would not be present on the face of the world. Or at least that the girl is emancipated from her daughterhood. The girl feels that she can do many good and useful things in her life and help many people. But there is something preventing her. As if there is a force pulling her down. Every time she thought she healed, she discovers that there is a massive weight that made her unable to move. As if the energy of rage, anger, and hatred that her mother lives in, has somehow reached her, leaving her, too, unable to open her heart to anyone, even her children. What kind of trauma is this, and can the girl return to love the mother? Does she have to love her in the first place? It's too complicated and draining.
your stone, reading "When you let go, you start to grow". Please tell me how to let go? is this possible now when my mother is still alive? Or I'll have to wait until she passes? How to let go when she is resenting me and still codependent on me? I feel all the time that is hanging inside of my chest between my ribs and looking up to me with a face full of suffering and despair. And I see myself always replying "I'm not your mother, I'm your daughter."
Writing this, I feel a lump in my throat, I can't write anymore...
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Hala Galal
6
54 years in PTSD
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