When Independence Looks Different
Today gave me one of those parenting lessons that I think a lot of us experience as our autistic children get older.
Ben had a follow-up neurology appointment today. He is medically stable and doing well, but because his doctors are still evaluating some neurological concerns, he isn’t able to renew his learner’s permit or practice driving right now.
He was disappointed.
He had only been practicing in parking lots, and we were nowhere near independent driving yet, but even that small amount of practice meant something to him. It made him feel like he was moving toward another adult goal.
What struck me today was how quickly the parenting lesson changed.
For a while, I was thinking about how to teach Ben to drive safely.
Now I’m thinking about how to teach him to get places safely if driving ends up not being part of his future.
How do we teach someone to safely use Uber?
How do we teach public transportation?
How do we teach them who to trust, what to do if a ride doesn’t feel right, how to ask for help, and what backup plan to have if something goes wrong?
As parents, I think we sometimes hold a picture in our minds of what independence will look like.
And even when we know our child has never followed a typical path, it can still be hard when that picture changes.
Driving makes me nervous for Ben for its own reasons. Things like response time, awareness of surroundings, reacting quickly, and understanding what other drivers are doing are all skills we have to think carefully about.
But the alternatives can make me nervous too.
The thought of him someday relying on drivers, transportation systems, or people outside of our family can bring up a completely different kind of fear.
Today reminded me that I can’t stay in that fear.
If the goal changes, then the teaching has to change with it.
Maybe the next step isn’t teaching Ben how to drive.
Maybe it’s teaching him how to request a ride, check the license plate, share his location, know where he is going, contact us if something changes, and practice these skills with support until they become familiar.
That is still independence.
It may just look different than the version I originally imagined.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting into adulthood is realizing that we are still learning too. We keep adjusting the goals, the supports, and the lessons as our children show us what they need.
Have you had an independence goal for your child change as they got older?
What did you begin teaching instead?
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When Independence Looks Different
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