My Testimony · Beachside Soul

My Testimony

Before my Awakening process began, pain was a constant companion in my life, we had a very complicated relationship. I was first introduced to pain when I was 3 or 4. I can't remember precisely the exact age. I was not given the choice to be introduced, it was forced upon me by a close friend of the family. I was too young to process this new relationship, so my brain did a very brave thing. It separated itself into 7 different alters/personalities to help keep me emotionally intact.

My second introduction to pain was somewhere around the age of 9 or 10. I met pain through the judging rose, colored glasses of my mother. She is a beautiful woman and she was a kind, loving mother who was trying to process her own trauma. Unfortunately, her way of coping was through perfectionism, over-structure, negative self-talk, over giving and escapism. So, I grew up always seeking approval from her and from everyone else. I learned very early to put my needs at the bottom, and take care of everyone else first. I learned my voice did not matter.

I ran into pain again when I was 19 years old. This time pain had a name, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I was plagued with constant pain throughout my entire body and joints and experienced extreme fatigue and exhaustion everyday for 27 years.

By the time I was 36, pain and I were completely co-dependent upon one another. So I should not have been surprised when my old friend visited me again, in the form of a violent r*** experience from a male acquaintance. As the years went by I became so comfortable with my awkward guest that I began to rely on it, pain began to be something I could depend on. Over time, pain would visit and the gifts it gave were larger, more intense and the stays were longer each time, until it never really left me. Over the years I struggled with Fibromyalgia, OCD, PTSD, DID, extreme anxiety and phobias, many addictions including alcoholism and other issues.

I was moving through life numb, and unconsciously. I had a well paying job, a beautiful home, and friends and family, until at the age of 48 my entire world as I new it fell apart. I found out I was betrayed by a group of people that were closest to me, and suddenly my life was in danger. I had to move from my home rapidly, and re-locate across the united states. I lost all of my so-called friends and my job. I had nothing, so I thought...little did I know, I had all that I needed. I was in complete isolation for several months and was forced to breakdown and be vulnerable and look at my life, my pain...myself. It has been the hardest and most beautiful thing that I have ever done and experienced. I had to let my old self literally die off and let God create in me a new spirit of joy, confidence, forgiveness, and renewed faith. I had enough of moving through life without a compass. I completely surrendered the reigns and asked God and my spirit team to guide me to my true north. This time, I had to leave my old friend pain behind. I had no car, no money, no job, no friends, and I was in a completely new state. It was just me, my heavenly father, my spirit team, many cheap hotel rooms and a cell phone. It has been extremely challenging at times, but the greatest blessing has been that all of this has not only made me a better person who is whole and no longer broken, who is no longer in fear or in pain. It has also been preparing me to fulfill my divine purpose which is to help and heal others.

So, do not be afraid to join! Do not be afraid to be vulnerable and share! Do not be afraid to grow!

"Always remember, you are safe, loved, and held. Walk forward with absolute divine confidence."

Lindsey

2 comments

My Testimony