Im going to try and make this light. I started a job 10 years ago and I was rather social. Over the years that slowly faded. Partially due to bad personal relationships, partially due to bad work relationships, and a lot of that had something to do with "disagreements" in politics. I was in two relationships during that time. One whos stated goal was to "make things harder for the next person". I should have left then but I didn't.... and things were hard for the next person. That next person was great for me in the beginning. Sadly they suffered from POTS, a condition that made them dizzy if they stood up to long or got to hot. It also gave them headaches or migrants if it got bad enough. It was to the point we couldn't go out and do anything, only lay in bed and watch shows. It was not there at the start of the relationship otherwise I probably wouldnt have gotten into a relationship with them. Now Im 40. Im out of that relationship as POTS stole why I was attracted to them. Now I feel like Ive lost my will to socialize. I log into discord to see whats going on but I hardly say a word. I get on nightly voice calls with my friends but the laughter has slowly faded as silence has taken over. I just cant think of anything that I want to talk about or have the energy to talk. I feel like getting that energy back will be the key to my success. Not any big changes in life, not getting up at 4 am to take a cold shower. Just getting my energy and will to socialize back. I am hoping that this group might help me in some way. I dont know how, but Im willing to give it a go to see if anything resonates past the surface level.

I don't think I've introduced myself yet. I just turned 33 and I don't have my life together the way I want. I have a job but I still live with my parents. I've never had a girlfriend, but I recently started seeing a girl. That's interesting. First time really being with a girl I don't know what to do and I already messed it up by being too overzealous to spend time with her. She went no contact with me for 3 months and messaged me to hang out after not seeing her for that long. I thought I'd never see her again. I talked to my therapist about it and he said I let my anxiety control me, like a self fulfilling prophecy, because I was anxious she might not have liked me anymore I pushed her away to not like me for a bit. But I'm back with her now. She went through a really bad relationship recently and she's not ready for a relationship right now, but she likes me and loves to kiss me. Other than that I was thinking of doing a security services program at a college and to move into doing security work.

I hate myself. And when my friends(great friends btw) tried to confront me about why i walked home 50 minutes i disconnected the calls, ghosted and hid because i was too scared to face that fear of hearing them talk about it. only after a therapy session my therapist encouraged me to talk about my emotions. but i just want to be good enough for this self hate to stop and do the things i need to do but cant stay consistent with. I also got a lot of regrets like not playing sports at a young age or whatever because now im an unathletic twink with no status or skill or purpose in the physical realm. and its too late now im in 10th grade. i just wanna dump on this community since u all are kinda like minded. ill keep working out and shit ill just keep trying to be better and better yknow? its just hard i am so guilty and so hateful of myself and just sometimes express that hate outward towards my family which i feel bad for. im someone who deserves everything thats coming to me. i created this life both knowingly and unknowingly. i cant keep running from my problems. i just wish i could actually fucking change i hate this shit i hate being the same weak person i have been my whole life. sorry for the dump and the unarticulated thoughts id really appreciate a response from a real human though. thanks, much love.