I'm single but honestly looking forward to Valentines day. For most of my life Valentines day has been a very sore subject. I've always been a bleeding heart on a sleeve kind of kid so I would always get gifts and make cute cards for those I admired (Ive never ascribed to gender roles in the context of romance so I genuinely love getting gifts for partners and planning out dates) but most of my early childhood I was often humiliated publicly and bullied until I stopped saying anything to any crush for most of my life. Being one of the few black little girls in a school in the south was very hard then. I used to hate Valentines day every year and felt anxiety surrounding it. Seeing other happy couples used to make me feel unworthy, its not uncommon for many of us to feel that way when we have such painful experiences. Eventually I had lovely Valentines day experiences with partners as I got older but the previous pain still lingered beneath the surface. Nowadays, I still have momentary risings of grief that arise during Valentines day season but it's far smaller and quieter than it's been in my entire life. I work on Valentines day this year but I'm genuinely so excited to see all the loving and happy couples in my restaurant. Seeing them happy doesn't reinforce any "lack" within me. I see the love in other's eyes when they are connecting with each other and it makes me feel so warm because that love between them is also within me. While sure, I acknowledge that we can show and express love the same way throughout the entire year and that the holiday was mainly created as a capitalist venture but when looking outside of those western egoic structures the act of seeing other's commemorating their love and witnessing that more than usual on that particular day simply feels very endearing. Also, who cares about being single! I take myself out on dates all the time and it feels so nice because being alone doesn't make me feel fragmented. I honestly think how your perception changes about such a thing can be indicative of a sort of shift towards wholeness. I still have internal work to do but I gotta give myself some grace... I used to feel dread before this holiday and now I feel a lot of joy as I'm able to integrate the energy of others love and transmute that back into myself because there is no difference! Their love is also my love.

@Sherry Patterson I honestly used to love decorating the house for things but I also couldnt be bothered as of late. Also helps that I lost all of my previous holiday decorations so now my desire to get new ones is in the negatives. Halloween is where I shine 🤩 but I haven't been able to decorate for it in 3 years. I'm overall over it for the year too but I will be swooping in for that clearance chocolate next week

This was a very lovely read. It exhibits the careful nuance between what we've assumed is connection versus what is soul aligned in accordance to connection and made it practical to understand no matter where you're at on the journey. I think it's hard for many of us to really embody these principles that allow unconditional connection, not just because we're afraid, but because of what the essence of "unconditional" asks you to relinquish as well. I've laid witness to moments of drunken vulnerability from high profile figures where they've lashed out about how much they hate everything about their lives and those in it but how the power and opulent lifestyle that it brings them will always been the "reward" that enables them to endure it. Just one example of many of course but we see how our commitments to performance, fear, transaction, illusions, etc. in order to chase worthiness then paradoxically creates more disorder apart from soul. You risk abandoning the soul for the minds desire by assuming you must earn your keep or conquer to exist. While reading your post I felt a wave of gratitude for those in my life I have unconditional connections with. I've lost a lot in the past 5 years, those I thought were friends and family included and I was raised to value found family immensely. I grew up having leagues of cousins, uncles, and aunts who weren't bound by blood but it has never mattered. As a result I have cultivated connections built upon the same principles of found family and anchor unconditional love. We don't put any pressure on each other to meet expectations and perform, but we take care of each other as a family does. They love me even when they don't understand me and allow me the freedom of my authenticity at all times. So thank you for reminding me to sit in that gratitude from reading this.

@Lee Patterson Looking forward to it, just wait for me. I'm gonna work hard to get another service session as soon as I can 😭

@Lee Patterson I can't wait to practice this. Its been hard to find practical ways to process through my discomforts but this feels like a beautiful way to tackle the issue without assigning myself a role that I have to play perfectly.

@Lee Patterson I tend to feel a lot of shame. I've always lived in fear and it had informed all of my decision making or lack thereof. I've resented myself for feeling the discomfort because I assumed it made me weaker and therefore incapable in the world.

Actually, today I was finally able to open up with my dad for the first time about how the experiences with him and my mom convinced me I didnt deserve to exist because I had to please them in order to be worthy of love. I made it clear that my mom and him would never have the power to collapse me into worthlessness again and that my present pursuits were with the intent to truly strengthen my authenticity and build unconditional connections. I articulated myself with steady and calm composure without feeling afraid, something I felt I couldn't do before and it also lead to me finally telling him that I plan to move to Chicago in a year. Now I feel relieved and cleansed because now both of my parents are aware of my plans to move but the next step is to have the same conversation with my mom despite worrying about hurting her. She knows I'm moving to Chicago in a year but I didnt open up about my experiences with her abuse. Either way I feel empowered and at peace with it all.

You both look so radiant! That smile exudes so much love. Many blessings to you both ❤️