At home, I was able to catch negative self talk when I was around my kids. I would say out loud "I'm such an idiot/dummy" after making some mistake, burning food, dropping something messy on the floor, forgetting laundry, ect. Having my kids around, I was able to shift myself into a forgiving state faster and aloud trying to set an example for them. But it was a different story when I was alone. I was way more hard on myself and I would wade in shaming lens for much longer I work in critical and urgent care. I replay a lot of scenarios in my head at home Did I communicate clearly to my team, could the outcome be different if I tried other treatments. Most often, I come to the same conclusion, that my actions and communication were the best of my ability and best for the patient but it takes days, sometimes weeks, of reflection to get to a place of reassurance within myself despite 20 years of experience.

I've journalled about this multiple times 😅 My friends and family have tried to talk me out my life partner, uprooting my family, having my first child 🤣 I can hear in my dad's voice in my head. 'dont think just once, but think 3, 4x before making a decision' - (his advice after I got wildly drunk, alone🤦🏾‍♀️, as a young adult😬) All these years, ive internalized that as "your first instincts are wrong" But typing this today, I read it as "follow your heart"

It was really disappointing, looking for approval and not getting it from the ones I loved most. However I did get approval from people who were not close to me. I found hundreds of ways to prove how my first instincts were not right. Anything I find, predicting my babies sex, choosing bad restaurants, to trying on clothes. It had become a running gag. The last couple of years, I've been trying to repair the relationship and closeness with my parents but within me. 'feeling guilty that I havent to called' vs 'missing their voice and not thinking twice about calling' Trying to make that shift, because my heart feels the later but my body tenses up, and an inner dialogue that reminds me about what they expect and want from me, to consider their feelings and needs over mine. I guess reminding me how my boundaries are still grey.

I really liked it! I was able to see the progress I've made so far by seeing the options side by side. Some scenarios, I have experienced both. One after another. In either direction.

We got a few egg laying chickens, 2 cats, 2 bearded dragons, a busy fishtank and a rabbit 💛

A message that I picked up from my father at a young age (8-12yo) is that I would be the one to 'take care' of him when he grew old. He was prould of my good grades (so that I could make good money, to ultimately take care of him, he would explain) I watched my dad beat up his body with partying and made financial decisions with the mentality 'i live for today'. The thought of taking care of him as he aged (physically and financially) grew really heavy. Even more so as I worked in healthcare, seeing how physically and emotionally exhausting it can be to take care of elderly. I legit ran away, moved across the country. Took me a while to figure it out, the deep-rooted reasons why I wanted to get away, not just to try something new, but to relieve myself of an expectation that was put on my shoulders too early. I wanted time to live for me, and not just for my kids and my parents. He just turned 75 last weekend and I have been feeling sad I wasn't there to celebrate him. Feeling shame and guilt for choosing to be away, for choosing my peace. Also, second guessing my parenting, to not have kids that feel how I feel now 🤣 maybe it inevitable 🤷🏾‍♀️ Really trying to repair my confused emotions so that I can truely cherish time I have left.