@Barb Mahaffey I’m really grateful you shared this and glad you're here. “I don’t know what secure feels like” is such an honest place to begin. And you’re not alone in that. When you’ve had to rely on yourself for a long time, it makes sense that security would feel unfamiliar. Self-reliance often isn’t a personality trait, it’s something we learned when it felt necessary. The fact that you can see your patterns and say you’re willing to take ownership tells me you’re already doing the deeper work. We’re not going to tackle everything at once here. We’ll take it one step at a time, exactly like you said. Security isn’t built by fixing yourself, it’s built by slowly experiencing something different. You’re in the right place for that. 🤍

@Barb Mahaffey, thank you for sharing. Yes, I’m very familiar with childhood emotional neglect. And it makes so much sense that a lot of what you read resonated. When emotional needs weren’t consistently met, we often learned to meet them ourselves. That self-reliance becomes strength… and protection. Before I point you toward anything specific, I’d love to understand a little more about what you’ve already explored. I'm going to send you a DM. 🙂

@Amanda Minor excited you are here 🙂

Thank you for your question! This is a layered question because it's not one issue, it's 3 nervous system loops happening at once. There’s nothing wrong with you for any of this. These are protective responses, not personality flaws. Going cold is not you being manipulative. It’s your 'protector side' (like we talked about in the masterclass) stepping in. What’s happening underneath? You reach and don’t get what you hoped for. Then your 'vulnerable part' feels exposed. Your protector side yells “Abort. Retreat. Regain control.” Coldness feels safer than staying open in disappointment. What I'd invite you to try to understand is going cold doesn’t protect you from rejection. It protects you from feeling it. If you desire connection, the adult move isn’t to withdrawal. Instead of the process go cold → hope he notices → resent Try this next time “I wanted closeness just then and my brain is telling me you rejected me. Can you help me understand what’s happening?” Rejection has the ability to activate old wiring and wounds. Before you assume “Is he rejecting me?” Ask yourself instead “What is my body making this mean?” Rejection in adulthood often feels like “I’m not chosen.”“I’m too much.”“I shouldn’t have asked.” Pause there. Then ask yourself if any of those thoughts are true in the now. Is he actually unavailable right now? Or is my nervous system amplifying? Handling rejection doesn’t mean pretending it doesn’t hurt. It means not collapsing or punishing in response. It sounds like:“That stung a bit. I think I was hoping for affection. Are you open to that later?” “How can I ask for more affection when he isn’t affectionate?” This is where discernment matters. You can’t regulate someone into being affectionate. But you can be clear on your needs. Instead of hinting, testing, withdrawing, or over-giving, try saying something like this instead... “I feel really connected when there’s more physical affection. It helps me feel safe and close. Is that something you’re willing to grow in?”