I didn’t sleep last night……too many things running through my head. I met my sister for the first time last night…. It was great to meet her and sit and talk to what happened to us both….i gave her a cuddle and it was like we had known each other forever! The old me wasn’t capable of meeting her as he was too angry and lost in the past….new me welcomed the moment and it’s helping me grow into the man I know is waiting….. If you have things from the past that haunt you…..face them head on! This was the same situation last week when I also met my brother for the first time. Control your chaos…..don’t let it control you

Right… I’m gonna be straight with you. Recently I had to face something from my past. The sort of situation that years ago would’ve sent me straight back into anger, defensiveness, and survival mode before it had even started. Old me would’ve walked in looking for a fight. Not always physically… but mentally, emotionally… ready to bite back, ready to protect myself, ready for it to go wrong. But this time… I walked in calm. No chest tightening.No scanning the room.No planning exit routes in my head like I used to. Just walked in, listened, had the conversation, and walked out knowing one thing… I’m not that bloke anymore. And that hit me hard on the drive home. Because there was a time in my life where anger felt like armour. It felt like protection. It got me through some dark shit… and if I’m honest, it probably kept me standing when I didn’t have much else. But it also controlled me.It made decisions for me.It made everything look like a threat. And facing this situation showed me something massive… You don’t delete the man you used to be.You don’t pretend he never existed. You respect him… because he got you through the storms. But he doesn’t get to drive anymore. These days that version of me is still there… still strong… still capable… He’s just the bodyguard now. Not the boss. I’m grateful to the man I was…But I’m fully committed to the man I’m becoming. And lads… that version isn’t perfect. He’s not finished. But he’s calmer, stronger, and doesn’t quit on himself when life gets heavy. If you’re battling stuff from your past right now, hear this… You are NOT stuck with who you were. You’re allowed to outgrow it.You’re allowed to rebuild.You’re allowed to become dangerous in the right ways… disciplined… controlled… steady. And the day you realise you handled something differently than the old you would’ve… That’s a powerful moment. Keep doing the work. It’s worth it.

Is there a more negative and destructive phrase that has ever been spoken. On the face of it, it sounds benine and neutral. Infact if you hear anyone use this, run far and fast away. In actual fact this is a phrase that really means "I don't care and never will". It represents a total disregard for the subject at hand and dismisses it as irrelevant. It supports a total lack of effort to even try and to accept whatever it is without examination. Of late I have heard this in two conversations and when examined it tends to come from those with a negative world view. So I run and exit the conversation as I have no room for this in my life. It most certainly isn't what it is, it needs a mind and effort. Beware!

When I was younger I had a passion for stage work which saw me take leading comedy musical roles on some very big stages. I had a drive and aptitude which gave me a clear career path in the world of entertainment. Like so many of us, life took over and the necessity to provide a stable background that kept you present as afamily man meant that I wasn't able to pursue that life. I took joy in being able to participate where ever I could and played more of a semi pro role after the kids came along. One part of performing that was my happy place was tap dancing. I was by all accounts very good but as life took it's toll and my fitness diminished, the tap shoes were put away. I still sang and fronted shows but that too slowly diminished into the past. As my fitness journey has progessed, so to has my mental strength and appetite for reclaiming my happy place. I began dabbling with dance again in terms of adapting step cardio workouts into a geriatric dance class for myself. Each week I have a Sunday self board meeting in which I go through my journal (A4 page a day) and reflect on the past week. It became clear that I wasn't happy holding myself to old promises to my old life. That old life and responsibilities have passed. This is my time. So last night I contacted an old theatre friend of mine who owns a dance academy, He was a guy that had choreographed several shows that I had been in. I've met him for a drink a few times since my fitness journey started so he knew what was happening. His reaction to my call "I wondered when you'd be calling about this". He knew that I wanted back in. He told me he had seen that old spark returning. Without me giving a great deal away he simply said "Lets get you down to the studio tomorrow and get you started". When the genuine desire returns, opportunites present themselves. So...........reclaim your happy place, it may be something in the past that has lurked in the back of your mind. Maybe you think you're not capeable anymore, to that I say BULL SHIT! Life is too full of cudda, shudda wudda moments. As Yoda says "There is no try in do". Go grab your happy place and reclaim it, not tomorrow....TODAY!

Afternoon all and thanks for listening. I'm having a difficult time at the moment, and it's down to guilt. My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 9. Before I go any further, I haven't cheated on her or anything like that. My wife has always had some social anxiety as long as I have known her, but she was able to have a active social life by convincing herself to get over it. However like many people during lockdown she had a lot of time on her own as I was still working and we weren't allowed to go out. It was during this time she started to realise that it wasn't just social anxiety, it was something more. After three years of waiting and lots of crying she finally got some help, it turns out she has ADHD and autism, actually it's called AUDHD. If you know anything about this subject you'll know that once someone has unmasked and realised that their are reasons to why she feels the way she does, it impossible for some to pretend that they don't have issues and to be honest why should they pretend to be someone they aren't. I've given a very oversimplified version of what has happened to her. As a result of my wife's realisation of her problems she stopped going out or at least didn't take it up again after lockdown. My wife's so called friends didn't much care for the fact that she no longer wanted to be going out and getting drunk with them, so they all stopped talking to her, their was a group of six of them that were all meant to be close, but they just dumped her. This obviously devastated her and she still cries about it many years on. I am still friends with many of the girls partners, but I can't talk to them about the situation because they are obviously to close to it. I did try to patch things up with my wife and the girls, but it didn't work and to be honest they don't deserve my wife as a friend if they are so willing to dump her the way they did. The fact that I still see the lads is one reason I feel guilty but not the only one.