When people ask me what my plan is, when leaving Germany I tell them I want to work as a trauma sensitive body worker/deep tissue massage therapist. I went to school to be a massage therapist and completed the basic course, then came baby nr. 2 and my focus was on providing and caring for the family. I didn’t dive as deep as I would’ve liked, completing the more advanced courses. I didn’t practice and massage as much as I wanted to. Now 2.5 years have passed and I am not even sure anymore, if I am capable of giving massage/doing bodywork at a level I feel comfortable at. But I still keep on telling that’s what I’m going to do. I still really want to do it, but honestly, I am scared. Scared to fail, not being able to provide. Then there is a similar thing about my apprenticeship as a trauma sensitive counselor. I finished school, got the degree, but never really used it. I kept on reading a lot of books which handle trauma/ somatics/ therapy etc. but I didn’t collect any experience. I want to step back in action. For both, massage/body work and trauma counseling. For the beginning I just want to start massaging my partner and friends on a regular basis, just to get the hands back on it.

@Evan Smith thanks brother

Myself: More time for self love, self care and time to create. If I don’t take good care of my own stuff, I can’t care as good for others. Laura: My dearest wife Laura, needs an emotional present, stable and reliable, partner with integrity. She also needs time, time to pursue her own plans and dreams, to recharge and restand we need time, to care for our romantic relationship. Sometimes daily life rushes through and we get lost in planing and organizing. Amáli & Yuna: My kids, need me to be present, emotional and physically. Especially my older daughter Amáli, is insecure at the moment, because she doesn't have a perspective what's going to happen from august on. All the her friends will be going to school after summer, and we still don't know where we are going. We are just pretty sure, we don't want her in the school system in Germany. She is much more emotional the last couple weeks, biting her fingernails for a couple months and doesn't cooperate as much as usual. She needs clarity. I was brutally honest with her, told her that we don't know what is going to happen, that Laura and I are still In the decision making process and asked her what she would want.

I want to unlock as much of my potential as possible, I don’t know if I would want to put it into a number, because I don’t even know if it is limited. That’s why it’s also hard to say what percentage I am at right now. I feel like, I already did a lot of work, came a long way since my partly messed up childhood to be the man and father I am today. I am really sure there is so much more inside of me and I am so very curious to release it and find out what else I am capable of. But even when I achieved the goals I am aiming for, I can set new goals, the visions and aim higher, who tells me that I reached 100%? Nobody can do that. It relates directly to the text I wrote yesterday, because that’s what I am aiming for. To achieve those things, I need to rewrite the the beliefs I have inside of me, that are limiting me. My mind needs to take the next step, allowing myself to step out of my comfort zone, taking risks and unlocking the potential. In terms of my relationship, I think we are on the same page for a lot of things. I have to learn that self care is so so important, because if I don’t take care of myself, how am I supposed to be able to hold space for others. Laura and I went through a lot ups and down together in the past 12 years, we grew together and want to grow and develop more, on a communicational level we are improving more and more, what I think is a base for a healthy relationship, besides the self care. Our finances, puhh. I think it can always be worse, but to be honest, we are at the lowest point we have ever been. There is so much stuff to take care of, and often I feel overwhelmed by it. We a reliant on money the state is giving us at the moment, I am working a lot of hours, just to pay for rent and food, and paying back money our family borrowed us. It feels like we are trapped in the system we want to get out so badly. But I have the faith in myself and in Laura, that we will figure out how to do it. I just have to step into my power, start creating and not being afraid to fail. There is abundance waiting for us.

The birds and the monkeys wake me up a little before sunrise. The house is still very calm. Only my wife and I are up, watching the sun rise with a cup of mama cacao. We stand on our porch, looking over the lush green jungle, the fruit and food forest we planted and the lake. I gently hold my wifes face in between my hands and kiss her good morning. After we finished our cacao, we each start our morning routine with yoga, work out and breathwork. Some of it we do for ourselves and some we do together. When I am done with my morning routine I start to prepare breakfast for our 3 kids that are still sleeping. I go into our backyard and pick some sweet and ripe mangos, passion fruits and avocados before heading to our chicken shed to get some fresh eggs. When I come back into the house our oldest daughter is already up. She comes to me and ask me if we can cuddle for a moment and if she can tell me about her dreams. She gets herself a cup of cacao and we cuddle into one of the hammock outside. She tells me all about her crazy, adventures dreams she had last night and about the feelings she has about them. We just lay there and I listen to what she is saying. Suddenly she gets up, says thank you dad and vanishes. She probably went to our art studio on the upper floor to work on one of her recent problems. I prepare breakfast and Laura comes into the living space with our to little ones, both still tired, but very happy on mommys arm. We have a family breakfast together, before I head out taking 2 of the kids to the little forrest school we founded together with our friends and community members a couple years ago. Afterwards I have two clients coming to the Studio to receive a deep tissue massage and some counseling. So that takes up most of my morning. I meet Laura and our littlest at our favorite café and we enjoy the time together. It’s almost time to pick up the kids from school. They only go there if they want to and feel like it. There is no obligation, no pressure. We pick them up and head to a close by beach to meet some friends. We have connecting, deep conversations, we laugh, cry and play together. The kids are all playing together, no matter of age nor ethnicity. When the sun sets we take a dip in the lake before we are heading home for dinner. We are all happy, sunkissed and tired. We snuggle up into our huge family bed, all five of us. Everyone has the chance to share things about the day, emotions or storys. Our babygirl falls aslepp while our oldest daughter is telling a story about the ferrys that live in the forest. A couple minutes later, we are surrounded by three snoring, beautiful creatures, we happily call our kids. Laura and I look each other into our eyes. We smile. We so thankful for everything we have, even though the way was not easy and we were struggling for a long time. Now, we made it.

I often wear the 'extrovert' mask. I Love to be around people and I love to connect with people. What I noticed during the last couple years, is that I am searching for real and authentic connections. I don't want small talk about the weather anymore, I want to be able to talk about the raw feelings, things that scare me, make me happy and also having people who like to share the same things with me. I am done with superficiality. I am learning that I don't have to be in contact with everyone around me and getting everyone's attention and validation to feel whole. I am more and more secure about myself and my values, so I don't need approval from others. Hell yeah, I am ready to let it go fully.