Ive recently become the soul carer for my mother who is in the palliative stage of a terminal disease. As a veteran however, I stuffer from very dramatic nightmares and two nights ago, I woke up screaming on the kitchen floor. (For mum it must have looked like i was high and going through psychosis) I felt like such a piece of shit as, my poor mother who, amongst otherthings, guided me to our living room couch. Without an explination as to why i was screaming and why my eyes were drenched with tears, she didnt even ask me what was wrong and why i was so distressed. I evrentually returned to my healthy senses but my mum insisted that i sleep the remainder of night in the loungeroom with the loungroom door closed. (It never crossed my mind that my unsupervised presance in mums house made her feel uncomfortable, especially after ive had so many graphic and confronting relapses to addiction) The next morning, i felt unsettled waking up on the couch. I was filled with an incredible amount of guilt and shame for some reason. Ive been clean and sober now for just under a year and im yet to see my mother ever not miss a chance to remind me that I cant be trusted at her home alone. I hope that she can let go of her resentment of me in addiction and enjoy the love and regards of the people who love her now that i have found recovery.

I was actually a bit slack this week with my rehab stuff and lately I’ve not been doing my epic warmups (gym/45 mins on the bike before 🥋🤼‍♂️) and I’ve paid the price 🙀🤕 Have to stay on top of it and I picked it up yesterday and I’ll make sure I keep at it during the week so I can overtrain in peace

Don’t fall for this! You have to schedule it in, make it a habit! Otherwise it’s all short term highs and consequences!

AS a veteran ive been conditioned to react to changing situations. Now that im retired, im notorious for acting on my feelings in the same way. Today, im choosing to simply observe myself and my feelings and resist the urge to act on anything emotional where possible. Wish me luck.

Sup Sewer crew! Falling into old behaviours, particularly codependancy, is so challenging. Today, however, I find myself in a first, and at the door of an organic and healthy change in patterns. Today im ballancing my needs and responsibilities, without direction, and im feeling really good about it. I wanted to share this, simply to be seen and nothing more. In the future, Id love to be a part of others doing the same. хорошего дня