Forgiving the people who have hurt me would just allow me to take that bitterness and resentment built up and switch it to grace. It's mentally exhausting being weighed down by hurt from the past. One person who I tend to have a hard time forgiving is my mom. I give her grace in the aspect of that she does face serious & challenging mental health issues, but it still is unfortunate to deal with the hurt and discord she has caused. One thing i've realized is that holding onto resentment, wishing for her to change knowing she won't because her brain cannot let her, is like asking a puppy to wash the dishes and becoming upset and resentful that they will never learn how, because it's something they were never capable of doing or aware they had to do it.

The most challenging thing for me is thought transformation. I think mostly in areas that seem to be permanent or consistent. For example, my health. Having dealt with it for almost 2 years, I get wrapped in the thought of "I'll never get better" or "God doesn't want to heal me". I think it hinders me from hearing God at times because I'm telling myself the opposite of what his word says. It's like how do I expect to hear him, when I'm telling myself the opposite of who he actually is.

The practice that has helped me throughout the week is practicing dependence through prayer. For whatever reason I seem to LOVE taking control into my hands and depending on me to do things first before going to God. Now i'm trying to first surrender to him and ask for his clarity and seek his guidance rather than do what my flesh wants to be done.

I'm going to change the bitterness and resentment in my heart. I think the best thing I can do is just rebuke it and ask God to take that feeling away, and to pray for those who I have that feeling toward.

Honestly a negative thought that I think is regarding my health, that I'll never be completely healed and that thought just leaves me hopeless, discouraged, and feeling weak. Recently, I've been in a thought pattern that nothing beneficial is coming from it, but a scripture to combat that thought is Romans 5:3-4. "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."