Before my spiritual journey began, a few years ago, I was not only a lifelong atheist, I was a fairly stubborn one at that. How I found my spirituality, or more accurately, how spirituality found me, was in the most unlikely, unbelievable of ways. Before I can share that win, I must first share a night of unimaginable loss. It was October 31,1999, I was 21 at the time. Myself, and three friends were invited to a Halloween party. A drunken argument between one of my friends and another guest quickly escalated into violence. We were badly outnumbered and I soon found myself getting jumped by multiple people. Regrettably, I had a knife on me and I managed to pull it out from my pocket, without thinking, just acting on instinct, trying to get guys off of me, I swung my arm out. I struck a man in the chest and the blade pierced his heart. I would go on to lose 17 and a half years of my freedom as a result of my actions that night. More importantly, a man lost his life. An innocent family lost a son, a brother, and a young father. On December 29, 2017 I wrapped up the 15-18 year prison sentence that I received for manslaughter. Despite all I had been through, all my horrible mistakes, and all the terrible consequences that they held, I walked out of prison confident I was an infinitely better man then the dumb, troubled kid who went in. And I was so excited to begin my second chance at life. It was an excitement however that would not last. I found readjusting to life out here infinitely more difficult than anything I could have imagined. It was a couple of years or so ago where I had hit my lowest of low points. I felt like a weak, broken, pathetic version of myself, and I was falling at the second chance I had been gifted. I was convinced that everyone I loved in life would be better off if I wasn’t around. I was in a really dark place. I was so tired, so fucking tired of trying and failing. I had given up and my self destruction was imminent. I had plans to rob a large scale drug dealer. I was just waiting on a call from a buddy of mine that his dealer had re upped and I was off down a road to which undoubtedly would have lead to my death or back to prison (a fate to me worse than death). The call was expected, literally any day. Before it took place, I instead received a text from a man I did not know, but whose last name I was intimately familiar with. He asked if we could schedule a time to talk and I quickly agreed. A couple hours later I was on the phone with the son of the man I had killed. I explained to him from my perspective what happened that night. And then I did my best to apologize for a thing that no words, no matter how genuine and heartfelt, can make right. After I was finished this man who was only two at the time of his father’s death explained how he had grown up hating me. As he got older he often thought about how he would kill me when I got out. These were sentiments I expected and completely understood. The last thing I expected was when he told me he forgave me. Not only did he forgive me he told me “I want you to do good, be happy, make a difference, make my father’s death mean something!” The impact this conversation had on me was immediate and life altering. Later that night, I reached out to my buddy and cancelled my reckless, suicidal plans. The next day I went back on indeed, started applying for jobs again. After months of failure and disappointment, on the job search front, literally, the next week I landed a good paying job utilizing the class A truck drivers license I struggled so hard to attain. The timing of that call given my mind place, what I had planned, the impact his words had on me and the direction of my life, there is just no possible way that that was just some giant, cosmic coincidence. That was divinely guided. The son of the victim in my case saved my life! I went from militant atheist to full blown spiritual awakening. I began doing a lot of internal work on myself. I reasoned if this man, who had grown up without a father because of me, and had more of a reason to hate me then anyone, if he of all people could forgive me, there had to be a path for me to forgive myself. And while this awakening has been truly the most profoundly amazing thing that has ever happened to me, it’s been anything but easy. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing currently is what they call ‘the dark night of the soul’ or if I’m just irreparably broken. Some months back I quit my job to pursue some creative ventures that I believe in. But instead of putting in an honest effort or work towards those goals, I traveled and gambled away all of my money. I’m currently jobless, penniless, and back home living with my mother. By any kind of external judgement my life is quite similar, if not a little worse off then it was a few years ago, when I was planning my imminent demise. I am incredibly frustrated and disappointed with myself. I’ve been self isolating, depressed, and battling this growing concern that no matter what I do my mind might never be right. But I have to believe I got saved for a reason. All the goodness I possess of my heart and my spirit, I have to believe that that’s there for a reason. I’m down right now but I’m still alive, I’m still free, I still have the opportunity to turn my life around. And that’s my win. My win is there’s still hope. Hope for me to do good, be happy, make a difference, to make the man who saved my life- to make his fathers death mean something! I owe it to him. I owe it to his father. I know I’ve gone on quite awhile so everyone who’s still reading gets a cookie. Seriously though, anyone reading I appreciate it. It’s helped me to share this. It’s been awhile since I’ve interacted within this site. When I initially joined I shared some of my story and I was overwhelmed with how kind and supportive everyone was. I think I’m going to get back to doing some of the work that Aaron has been kind enough to share with us. He’s a good man, and this is a really good community of people.

1) Current self- My second chance at life began over 6 years ago and at times it’s been more of a struggle than I ever anticipated. I’ve hit some incredibly low points where I’d have rated myself a 1 on the vibe scale. I’ll currently rate myself a 5 or 6, which is a significant improvement as to where I was, not too long ago, though. Ive been battling, lately, a growing dread, that perhaps I’ve plateaued. I’ve evolved a tremendous amount from the person who took a life all those years ago, and while I feel I’ve consciously managed to forgive myself, for even my most profound of guilts, it seems my subconscious is proving a much tougher sell. It’s obvious I’m still holding onto some self destructive tendencies and patterns. I quit my job a couple of months ago with the intent I would do some traveling, focus on my writing, and a couple creative ideas that I have. Well, every week I manage to gamble or frivolously blow my money to the point I have to postpone my travels. It’s a chore to get myself to sit down and write and when I do nothing of any substance comes out. In terms of people and love I have no question about my hearts capacity to both give and receive love but since being out I’ve managed to inadvertently hurt three different women. Two exes and a best friend with whom I flirted my way into her catching feelings and inevitably broke her sweet heart as well. I’m currently terrified to open myself up to make genuine, meaningful connections, because despite the positive personal path that I find myself on, all I’ve ever done is hurt the people closest to me. 2) Ideal self- My ideal self would be someone whose goodness of heart is no longer betrayed by the broken of my mind. I have a goodness of heart and strength to my spirit of which I can be proud of and my ideal self believes if I can heal myself I could help to heal others. I could make a positive impact on people which is essentially all I really want, or care about. I’ve caused a lot of hurt and pain over the course of my life. My ideal self will find a way to flip that shit. Transmute the guilt and self loathing into a positive, healthy energy that will go beyond just a desire to be good, and do good, and be happy and instead turn into something actionable, to where I actually make a positive difference in the lives of people both in my life, and perhaps even beyond.

A candle, a crystal, and a corner

what is the dominant emotion, story and message in the movie? (journal prompts at bottom) share below a similar response as I did below (in whatever capacity you have) to what insights you have about what that movie is for you, feel free to add a GIF or photo in your post with your text if you can find one :) this is a shadow work exercise for being aware of why you subconsciously resonate with a movie and the characters in the movie and the emotional impact it had on you can you look back and see reflections of this and the story of your childhood? that movie for me was Lion King... when Simbas Dad died I cried and could feel the pain of him losing his dad my inner child grieved with the loss of the emotional availability of my parents and could empathize with the loneliness and anger that Simba experienced Simba being destined for something he did not feel ready for was a story that resonated with my inner child as well as having the family member of Scar who was negative with negative jealous intentions. I can see looking back that scar was a symbol of the jealousy my ex step mom had towards my brother and I for my dads attention symbolic of wanting the throne from his brother Mufasa. ultimately Simba had to step into a power of leadership and had to regain his power and take it back from Scar. Forgiveness I believe is the vehicle in my own life that allowed me to take my power back from my ex step mom to regain the power in my life this exercise for me has made me aware of the subconscious energy underneath my childhood. I can see that my inner child needed to grieve the loss of his parents presence as well as had a deep love for his dad (and mom too). Stepping into leadership is about taking back the power and not letting someone else dictate my life (like scar and my ex step mom) I can nurture the part of me that was sad about the movie by letting that part of me feel... and let it be okay to feel lonely, sad and angry. I will hold space for that in meditation for my inner child so I can process that emotion and feel more seen heard and nurtured.

I was incarcerated for 17 and a half years for manslaughter. I got jumped at a party, defended myself, and unfortunately one of the guys died. I’ve been out over 6 years now it’s been more of a struggle than I could have ever imagined. Recently, I’ve started down this spiritual road which for someone who was a lifelong atheist has been quite surprising. For the first time in my life I feel I’m on the right path. No one seems to understand though. When I told my family I was getting spiritual they looked at me as if I told them I was starting a career robbing banks. I’ve become super isolated and recently I’ve noticed some feelings of loneliness settling in. Saw some of Aaron’s videos recently and a link for this community so thought I’d check it out.