I’m sorry to write something like this, but I really need to get this off my chest. I never expected that I would ever hear such painful words from my own family, especially from someone I love more than anything. Today, my grandma told my brother that she “doesn’t care about me anymore” and that, to her, I “don’t exist anymore because I talk back.” Later, my brother told me what she had said. Not gonna lie, those words felt like a million needles, or knives, being stabbed straight into my heart. I know that this is the disease talking, not necessarily my grandma herself. I know she isn’t always fully aware of how much her words can hurt, and I know that illness can change the way someone behaves and reacts. But I also think that no one can truly prepare themselves for hearing words like that from an elderly person they love. It’s not like I don’t care about her. Quite the opposite. I have sacrificed my own fucking life, my happiness, my time, and so much of myself trying to take care of her. I was trying to write my master’s thesis while also taking care of her. I’ve been trying with everything I have to be patient, understanding, and supportive. But how many times can you tell someone not to do something before you finally lose your patience? And it’s not like I’m telling her these things for no reason. I’m constantly trying to make sure she stays safe. For example, I keep telling her that she can’t walk around on her own anymore and that she needs to use her walker. One time, she went outside without it and walked all the way to the pond by herself. I didn’t even realize she had disappeared at first. When I noticed she was gone, I immediately went looking for her. Thankfully, I found her, because God knows what could have happened while she was out there alone. I’m not trying to control her (I heard this word from her too). I’m scared something will happen to her. I’m scared that one day I might not be there at the right moment to notice that something is wrong. But after saying the same things over and over again, trying to explain why I’m saying them, worrying constantly, and watching her sometimes ignore everything I tell her just because she doesn’t want to listen… who wouldn’t eventually lose their patience? I’m human too. I’m also going through an incredibly stressful time right now. I have my master’s defense this Monday, and I’m already overwhelmed and exhausted. Sometimes I snap. Sometimes I raise my voice. Sometimes I answer back. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t do it because I don’t care about her or because I want to hurt her. Sometimes I’m simply exhausted beyond my limits. But somehow, it feels easier for people to see me as a monster than as someone who is desperately trying to help, trying to take care of another person, and doing the best she can with what she has left. And lately, I’ve been starting to wonder if maybe there really is something wrong with me or maybe I should disappear like she said.

I AM CRYING 😭😭😭 This is probably one of the funniest clips between K and Euijoo because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? The way Euijoo literally stopped himself mid-bite when K suddenly said, “Wait! You have to eat it with the sauce!” is absolutely killing me. 😭 Like, Euijoo was just peacefully eating his mandu, completely minding his own business, and then K says that and he just FREEZES. 😭 I swear I could practically see a little loading screen above his head, like his brain was desperately trying to process what the fuck had just happened and whether he had apparently been eating his mandu wrong this whole time. 💀 The way he stopped himself is what gets me the most. He was already in the middle of eating and just went:🧍‍♂️……processing…… I’m pretty sure there was a whole “processing data” message running through his head. Like he needed a few business days to understand this newly received information before he could continue eating. And do you know what this reminds me of??? 😭 It’s giving me such strong Yeonjun vibes from that moment when the staff told them that the food they had just eaten was something they had to pay for. Yeonjun had literally put fried chicken into his mouth and, the SECOND he heard that, he took it right back out. 😭 And now Euijoo is basically doing the same thing with his mandu. I’m sorry, but WHY ARE THEY BOTH SO FUNNY WHEN FOOD IS INVOLVED??? PLS LEAVE MY TWO BOYS ALONE.. The immediate “WAIT—WHAT?” reaction is sending me. Euijoo was literally just enjoying his food in peace and K had to come in with the sauce instructions. XDDD BTW K, PLEASE LET HIM EAT HIS MANDU IN PEACE XDDD 😭🥟 He was having a perfectly happy little meal before you suddenly gave him a new set of eating instructions.I genuinely cannot get over how fast he stopped himself. This whole clip is comedy gold. I LOVE these tiny spontaneous moments because they’re somehow funnier than anything scripted. You can literally see the thought process happening in real time.

I’m pretty sure all of us already knew that this man is BIG. Like, a fucking GIANT. He is literally 183 cm/6 ft tall, and considering that I’m 165 cm/5'5", basically anyone over 180 cm/5.11 already looks enormous to me 😭 BUT LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS. Because somehow knowing his height and actually SEEING his proportions are two completely different things. 😭 Like, I genuinely wasn’t prepared for him to look THIS huge. LOOK AT HIM. His proportions are actually ridiculous. This man is like 80% legs, a tiny waist, a little face and then whatever is left is the rest of his body. 😭 WHY ARE HIS LEGS SO LONG??? The second photo especially makes it look like someone just grabbed him and stretched him vertically and called it a day. And the first photo??? The suit is making it even worse because you can see his entire silhouette so clearly. The waist, the legs, the shoulders… everything makes him look absolutely massive. Like, I KNOW he’s 183 cm/6 ft. This is not new information. But every time I see him standing next to other people, my brain has to process it all over again because somehow he always looks even taller than I expect. It’s one of those things where you see someone in close-up photos all the time and your brain just registers their FACE, so you completely forget how tall they actually are. And then a full-body photo appears and suddenly you’re like: OH. THIS MAN IS FUCKING HUGE. 😭 And the proportions really make such a difference. It’s not just that he’s tall. He has those insanely long legs and such a narrow waist that his whole body looks elongated. Even his head looks tiny compared to the rest of him. 😭 Meanwhile I’m 165 cm/5'5" standing here like 🧍‍♀️ And Euijoo is just casually out there looking like someone accidentally increased the character height setting to 183%. 💀 I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever get used to how big he looks in full-body pictures. Every single time I see one, I have the exact same reaction all over again: WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING GIANT??? 😭 The photos literally speak for themselves. And honestly, THIS GROUP IS FULL OF FUCKING GIANTS. 😭 Like, even Harua, he’s around 173 cm/5'8" and when he stands next to Euijoo, the difference is actually HUGE. But then you see Harua standing next to some other idols or staff and suddenly HE looks like the giant. 😭😭😭 LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS GROUP??? Why are they all so fucking tall??? I swear &TEAM has ruined my sense of scale because now I see someone who is 170+ cm and think, “oh, that’s pretty tall,” and then Euijoo stands next to them and suddenly they look tiny. 😭 Thank you, Euijoo’s mom, for creating THIS ANGEL and sending him into the world. 🙏🏻😭 Because seriously, what were you feeding him??? The proportions are just INSANE. Absolute model proportions. Long legs, tiny waist, broad shoulders, small face… whoever designed this man clearly had ZERO intention of being subtle. 😭 I’m just sitting here trying to comprehend how someone can look completely normal in one photo and then in another look like a fucking skyscraper. 😭💀

So cute. Now, can we see y'all perform together??? https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Zo2o-LZzQRI

I NEED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY ONE FREAKING OUT OVER THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 😭 Nicholas, I am so sorry but respectfully… SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE. 😭😭😭 WHY are you THIS captivating?! Why do you look at the camera like THAT?! Why does every single movement feel personally targeted at me?! I genuinely cannot deal with this man. He has me staring at my screen like I’ve just forgotten how to breathe. AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY??? HELLO??? I’M OBSESSED WITH THIS FUCKING CHOREO. The way they move, the attitude, the expressions..WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO GO THIS HARD?! But Nicholas… seriously THE TONGUE. the fuvking tongue😭😭😭 Was that REALLY necessary?! Sir. I love you so fucking much, but PLEASE CALM YOURSELF. 😭 You literally told US “PLS CONTROL URSELF” and now look at you??? YOU FIRST, MOTHERFUCKER. 😭 AND THAT FUCKING SMIRK AFTER BLOWING US A KISS????? NICHOLAS. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???? 😭😭😭 You really looked into the camera, BLEW US A FUCKING KISS, and then had the AUDACITY to give us that smug little fucking smirk like you KNEW EXACTLY what you were doing???? SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST KISS US AND THEN LOOK AT US LIKE THAT. 😭 THAT WASN’T A KISS. THAT WAS A FUCKING THREAT. And the way he smirked afterwards??? Like “yeah, I know what I just did to you.” YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING KNEW. I swear this man doesn’t perform for us, he fucking PLAYS WITH US. 😭 And somehow he always looks so damn pleased with himself afterwards too. Like congratulations, Nicholas, you successfully destroyed whatever remained of my sanity. Are you happy now??? Because I’m looking at that smirk thinking: OH, SO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY???? IT IS NOT FUNNY.…DO IT AGAIN. 😭 UGHHHH THIS MAN. I seriously can’t. Every time I think I’ve recovered, he does something else and sends me straight back to square one. I’m fighting for my fucking life over here. AND CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR?! SOMEONE TAKE THE SCISSORS AWAY FROM HIM. 😭 I LOVE PINK NICHOLAS. I LOVE BLOND NICHOLAS. My precious pinkish Nini has a permanent place in my heart. BUT BLACK-HAIR NICHOLAS??? HELLO????? THAT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SPECIES. 😭 There is something about black-haired Nicho that hits DIFFERENT. The contrast between his face, the styling, the whole fucking attitude… I look at him and suddenly I understand absolutely nothing anymore. AND THEN WE HAVE THE SONG. “GOOD BOY.” GOOD BOY WHERE????????? BECAUSE ALL I SEE ARE NINE FUCKING MEN WITH THE FACES OF BAD DECISIONS. 😭 Like excuse me, &TEAM, WHO EXACTLY IS THE GOOD BOY HERE?! Because I’m looking around and I’m not seeing one. Not a single fucking good boy in sight. 💀