Doing the father wound/masculine wound meditation, I envisioned my dad at the end of the bridge waiting for me. As we did the Ho'oponopono statements I envisioned my father saying those words and I was overcome with strong emotions. Thoughts of inadequacies began but I instead focused on feeling empathy for him and his own struggles with being a father. As we continued the meditation, I felt myself soften and asked my dad if I could hold his hand. The connection of us holding hands made me feel like a sense of compassion and helped me to see what he is going through. Once the meditation was completed, I began to reflect a bit further on moments where healthy masculinity has shown up for me. As a child my father was unpredictable and emotionally loud which caused my nervous system to keep my walls up. To almost this day feelings of strong skepticisms came up and a sense of having men to prove to me/work for my trust was placed upon them. Chat Aaronbot says that I have normalized unavailable men so much that when a healthy one does show up, I immediately feel unfamiliar with it. My goal is to let myself receive more masculine care, without feeling so guarded before my mind can fully trust.

As I continue on this journey of self-love, I’ve been remembering the importance of relating to others. When I allow myself to do so, I feel less alone and more understood. For some reason, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a sense of separating myself from others rather than allowing myself to relate. But as I continue to put more trust into each meditation and listen to other people’s experiences, I’m reminded that I’m not the only one facing or feeling these same things, even if our circumstances may look different. There’s something so comforting about this sense of relating to one another. It brings me relief, makes me feel less alone, and reminds me that, in so many ways, we are one. I do pray that I may continue to fortify this knowing.

Today was the meditation on the mother wound/feminine. As I began to focus on the meditation, I felt it difficult to surrender to the guidance of the meditation. Perhaps surrendering is wound that I have held on as a form of protection, however with the mother I can contemplate on letting my guard down as the mother is there to protect me and the need to protect myself is not needed and a waste of energy. Growing up I always felt safe around my mom, she was someone I could turn to for comfort, nurture, and soothing. Although my mother worked, she always was there for me when I was crying with uncertainty, fear, and being picked on. I can remember the feeling of being understood and protection radiating from my mother's care. I would often try and protect my mother from my father's anger whenever he would yell. To this day I carry the same pattern with older women, the need to protect them, feeling safe and understood by them. During the meditation the thought around my inner child was brought up but this time he was a bit older around 10 years old. Whenever I would think of my inner child I would usually think of my 5-year-old self until today that I realized that my 10-year-old is also my inner child. I felt him needing comfort. The message I received from him was that he needed my support. Committing to show up more consistently for my 10-year-old self by choosing him and letting him play, have his feelings, and protecting him.

The biggest insight from connecting to my inner child during the meditation was the sense of innocence that I was allowed to feel. Also, I oddly remembered how my front door looked like in my first house. The feeling of compassion that I gave my inner self was warm and soothing. Emotions of shame and embarrassment came up in me during the meditation. As a I kid I was made to feel embarrassed if I showed too much emotion or looked like I cared too much. I would often get teased by my older siblings for it. Part of me was still guarded in this sense of being careful to not show too much or else it would bring on negative attention. The way I can connect with my inner child more is to allow myself to feel more emotions and be expressive. As a kid I would often express my emotions freely. Also begin to do more inner child meditation and visualize.

With today’s day of integration I’m beginning to reflect on the changes I’ve noticed within the past few days of doing this coursework. Things have begun to notice are giving myself permission instead of waiting for permission, emotional freedom, and returning to neutrality. My hope is to continue to wax strong and confident in these traits as I continue to do the work and take today as a rest day.