Im going to change my focus from "Im too busy" to "Im stewarding my time well"

I actually think I am pretty quick to forgive others. I really struggle with forgiving myself. I can rationalize past behavior as doing the best I could with what I had, but I am quickly reminded of the pain I caused others. Pain that their innocence didn't deserve. Pain that will likely stick with them for a lifetime in one form or another. Im actually still working on how to forgive myself. His Word says I am new. And I act new, I try to think new, but there is still a core in the pit of my chest that is gripping onto the shame. It will help me hear God more clearly if I can hear him from a lens of making a mistake, not being a mistake.

Recently, God gave me an underlying repetitive thought I have been struggling with...."Im just a charity project." He showed me that I have been operating out of an orphan spirit mindset. I have been striving but simultaneously self-sabotaging because deep DEEP I don't believe Im worth the goodness He is trying to give me or the purpose He set before me. The thought "Im dirty" keeps coming up. I noticed a fear that if I don't achieve what I THINK He purposed me for, I prove myself right...that I am worthless. That if I don't prove worthy and valuable to keep around, He wont. He will give up on me fulfilling my purpose here before eternity. That shows up in so many aspects of my life. Even in friendships. I have self-sabotaged relationships by quietly slipping through the cracks because I didn’t believe I brought value to them, that they tolerated me while I was bringing value but when I felt I had nothing substantial to give, they stopped reaching out...when the whole time I was sabotaging without even knowing it. I think God is asking me to allow him to heal that. Not to necessarily understand it completely, but to allow Him to untangle it. And boy oh boy, did these two classes come as an answered prayer.

Thought transformation, hands down. It comes with repetition, but, when that initial thought comes up (the one I need to replace), the emotions and physical feelings are so real. The shame. The guilt. The fear. They all feel so real. But, our feelings are fickle. It keeps me from hearing God clearly because the thoughts that aren’t true leave such a real feeling in my body- its hard to reject and replace them. I hyper-focus on them instead the truth of His Word. Its a challenge daily. Its easier when I anchor it to an actual action like writing down the negative thought, crossing it out, and writing down the truth- but, to do this daily on the fly without forgetting and just falling into routine is difficult.

I relate mostly to Wind and Fire. Wind is external. I see the goodness of God in the older couple holding hands walking out of Smiths. I see the work of the Holy Spirit in the person holding the door for the family behind them- and doing it with a smile. We cant see the Spirit, but can see His work all around us. PERSONALLY, I experience Him as Fire. And that can come by seeing Him work in other people. There is a relationship between these two experiences....through Wind and Fire. External and Internal. Its the Fire in me that points out the work of the Spirit around me. He is the one that opens my eyes to it. And when I see it, its like the Spirit in me combusts into flame for God. Its like God is granting me a glimpse of His passion for how the Spirit moves among us. Its like an unexplainable excitement to see Holy Spirit moving / overwhelming love for people. Its probably one of the most tactile and tangible ways I have experienced the Holy Spirit- in a sudden, overwhelming moment of love, excitement, and praise.

Moving forward, I would like to continue to see the Holy Spirit work as He has been. He is moving in my life as he always has. It is me that needs to be more sensitive to Him moving. So, I would like to see him soften my heart toward people even more. I would like for Him to point out the goodness of God all around me more. Make me more sensitive to His voice and His movement in those around me.