The kids in my class fully believe there is a hamster living in the electric pencil sharpener that chews blunt pencils until they're sharp again. They believe this mainly because I told them. 🐹✏️

Every Christmas we get my nan to give her annual Christmas speech at the dinner table like the Queen...we've been subject to such sparkling words of wisdom as: "Piss off I ent makin no speech" "Shut up and eat your dinner" Or my own personal favourite, to her daughter: "Now don't take this wrong but are you going through the change?" Fine words, Nan, fine words.

As a teacher of young children, I see my fair share of rubbish artwork on a daily basis. Never underestimate a 5 year old's ability to make everything look like a knob. But the best bit of graffiti was discovered on the underside of one of the tables, heaven knows how long it had been there and it lay undiscovered until one of our lovelies had learned to read simple words and sounded out perfectly: "C-U-N-T, CUNT! Mr Jones there's CUNT under the table!" 🫣

@Mike Mistry I am totally doing this to someone on Valentine's Day...thank you 🤣

Nothing says "I love you" more than a blueberry chupa chup. "Suck on that, sweetheart"

I moisten rims to play a pint glass symphony with my fingers

I go into all the documents created by people I don't like and delete the second page