Good afternoon guys, my name is Cody. I’m a 26 year old male, I’ve been married to my wife 28 year old female for 6 years and together for 8 years. We are both active duty military, I am medically separating soon and she has been deployed for the last few months. We have had a very on and off relationship since 2023 after my struggles with porn addiction came to light and despite all the efforts of us both she is wanting a divorce. We have both talked about separation in the past but therapy, doctors appointments, and self work has helped staff it off for years and we continued to grow. My struggles with shame, defensiveness and inability to handle conflict by shutting down or not communicating my own feelings and emotions led to her becoming emotionally burned out. The last 8 months I’ve done more self reflection and work on myself then I’ve ever truly done in my life and it has helped tremendously. But I found out less than 48 hours ago that she has been having a physical affair while deployed over the last few months and I really feel like I’m at a loss. I know a big thing Mark has mentioned is how her seeing change and not hearing the words I say are the only thing that can cause a change in her but after finding out about this idk how to move forward. She’s lied to my face about having an affair with someone who I even asked about when she started acting off. I’m just looking for some guidance because I’m still at home alone, taking care of our whole furry family (3 cats and 3 dogs), paying the bills, working 70+ hours a week where I’m routinely putting people in body bags (I work in a ER as a medic), and still doing weekly therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, started meds, and practicing everything I’ve learned. I’ve been free of pornography since she left for the deployment (over 120 days) which is the longest I’ve ever gone without it. I’ve gotten so much better at communicating and taking radical action and accountability for the things I’ve done wrong. I just am really struggling with coming to terms with this affair and how even though I still want to work through this with her because I see how much she’s hurting, it’s hard to put aside my own anger. I’d love to guidance from yall since I think I’m a lot younger than most of you guys 😅