All and every person comes into the world with a sense of self value/self worth, actually everyone and each one believes they are worthy and valuable, but when world(other people around) showcases to them over n over they are not, you start to shut it down, start to give up to feel it cause what the point if no one thinks it's the case. Your worth that gets decided by world is dependent on how you can give, maybe you greet evryone and are socially good so people like you, or you are ranked figure, or it always comes down to how you come of use to people either through work, feelings, entertainment, service, show that you can get great grades. Why am I trying to stop the world from showing me it dislikes me, it doesn't choose me, the very fact that i try to stop it, shows that I already believe/know that it doesn't like me.

Survival mode isn't really survival mode, it is, but it is more fearing death mode all the damn time. If it was about survival. Then you would be saying "I'll survive". Through whatever

Self sabotage is to me now a bodys response protest or riot. Which it does to get my attention about something that I'm distracting from. It has been it's way of destroying my wellbeing to get me to see, the issue, take it seriously do something about it. Be it external and if internal then rethink the desire, belief, understanding, the Mindset basically. It says don't postpone my wellbeing, don't give me hope that it'll change, on its own. Don't distract. Address it. And if you don't I protest, *(Don't read) Prior to this period I had for a goal, lived a fairly disciplined life, actually the cause of it was because I felt good about myself because I believed whatever I desire I would get, somethings and lot of things I did, but one. Intense at that time one thing didn't. So it's cause I started to feel bad about myself, I lost discipline, the moment I think, the moment It looked like I'm getting what I want, I would jump right back to that disciplined life. Gym abstaining, - ( no comments about this part )

What is a trauma bond exactly, and how is it bad? When I see a healthy person, how do I expect them to understand the way I am, certain things that are difficult for me, certain things i struggle with, I have been working since last 3 years, there have been breakthroughs but somethings just too difficult to change. Healthy people it's like, They got lucky with good parents and environment and household which is not filled with tensions but is safe, where certains parts of them are not discouraged, or called bad or said and driving the wound of "there's something wrong with them" into them. They show up differently in life, they interact differently with people choose relationship differently, cause it fine for them to choose it that way. How is somebody who got trauma even pair with somebody who doesn't? What? Pls don't tell me to become healthy, you can be more healthier more whole on your own, more secure, but wounds that I have stayed, unless contradictory experience happens they won't go. How would you even interact with someone who lives life on a different plane. They don't go home, thinking they messed up here, or notice the issue that came up somewhere in the day that has its roots in the past, the self belief of playing small, or not taking up space. And the fact that working on all the issues is a month after month task and with no necessary guarantee, sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't, how long do I plan to keep going doing this? As I see people enjoy their lifes.?

After a certain point therapy/inner work just becomes astrology. This happened so you are this way and to fix it there are these methods that I have no patience to do, after 2years of just grueling work in it. Some issues no matter what I follow won't change, and the fix to everytime go inside, see where it started why it started, hasn't worked on this one, i know why when and how it started but, I cannot put the defensive mechanism down. The fear of glbeing attacked didn't go away untill i learned a answer to it, which was to learn boxing and getting some competence in it. The fear that if I get close to people I can be hurt, and have uncomfortable interactions is there and nothing can solve it.