Saw it all for myself The gray turn black My beating heart stop The moment I died yet stayed standing The moment my soul perished Yet the shell continues operations Life on autopilot of substance use and reckless disregard And only at 28 I feel closer to death than I ever considered feasible

I always thought the saddest feeling was loneliness Today I learned the most heartbreaking feeling is living for everyone else but yourself Waking up on autopilot with zero intention As if I live on a 1s and 0s network Pre determined and pre planned One step two step One mistake and a regret A bottle with some weed Addicted and malfunctioning lost and watching my hope rust away like glimmers on a diamond dream Love seems foreign and peace is not feasible Torture for me Peace for thee Bleed me so she can smile

I see me and you see them I believe me and you believe them you never saw me for I am not within your scope I believe it wasn’t me than I saw it wasn’t you To marry you was a dream I had Than I saw the nightmare ensue To believe was to achieve to achieve to to give the ring the ring lay barren in its lonely box With your name still etched in its band

Profound guidance found in delusional discourse Moments of illusion and Granger Things I see but I don’t witness Things i believe but never see Moments I live but never feel Things I trust but never understand It’s always one or another It’s one in the same To be or to be me Let’s see how the fair runs so deep Let’s believe as fate passes over the trees The sun sets with a gentle breeze As my coffin is lowered beneath my lovers dreams

Moments for clarification and resilient silence Lost in momentary darkness left behind by the gray streaks in your hair Every sound a quick startle Every voice stiffens the mind They see it as a trauma response We see it as what kept us alive Our nervous system chose freeze other than flight We don’t fight and we don’t fawn We watch as our veins turn to ice and we are unable to move You stare and wait for responses I cannot give The rage induces and the anxiety increases The alcohol flows and the paranoia sets in Who are you you may ask For I am Azrael The shadow left behind by a good kid Who was left misunderstood