There are things in life you never expect. You can't say *Never*, because that's when *Never* sneaks up on you — lurking in a dark corner, waiting to pounce like a lion. It attacks and attaches like a leech; you think you're done with the *Never*, but every time you say *Never*, it appears again and again, leaving you breathless, wounded, staggering, unbalanced. You retreat to lick your wounds. Slowly, you start to see sunshine in the rain. The clouds clear, the storm subsides — calm waters, comforting ambiance, Zen. Yet just as you whisper *Never again*, it whips you around, staggering you, flipping you inside out. You know that, unfortunately, you have all the resources to manage this. This is your biggest *Never* yet — the one you said you'd never face. You keep stacking the *Nevers* until they become *Always*. *Everything Always happens to me.* Your tenacity exists for this very purpose. Without it, you cease to exist. The *Nevers* stack into *Always*, forcing you to assess where your voice is directed — and that is **up**. Even if silent, it is still there. We find our voice in the silence. Because if we don't, we get passed over a bump in the road, swept under the rug.

Looking for background noise trying to drown the pain. Because my whole childhood you were the song I sang. Inside your walls, hums of safety and disdain the hands that held everything through every kind of pain. You, my mother and father even while he lived in our home You my superhero even when you lost your health to soon I thought you were invincible. I thought you could never leave. Then one day it all became in reality You stopped calling and I realized too late That grief could bring me to my knees And bring you center stage I left you behind, believing my life had found a better way believing I was somehow different, forgetting the cloth from which I came. But then that day in May cold lights in an ICU room. You on life support my whole world crashing, boom. You died in the night They brought you back somehow, but only just enough to deepen the hurt I carry now. It took pain in my own eyes to finally understand the woman who remembered everything was slipping through my hands. You, the one who remembered every version of me, good and bad Even the unrealized, the ones I’ve yet to have yet to be Now I carry conversations Ones I never got to finish. Questions with nowhere to land Love with nowhere to flourish But still you remain in everything Your ashes guard my kitchen You are with me as I drive And when I’m on the jumpseat I pray you ease my demise Sometimes I implore Am I gifted by your essence? The closeness you could never carry while you were still in presence I feel you are with me In times I can’t ignore. The fire I use to survive through moments too unbearable. I wish I could argue with you just one more time. Other girls call their mothers when they’ve had a hard time or need help to plan their future versions of beauty on this planet But not me I hear you differently now No phones or drop in visits No coffee or Chinese chicken I meet you in. my dreams sit with you through my anxieties You are there to witness my mistakes-and all my missteps vividly.

I am glad and hopefully to be a part of this community and share my words with others.