I'm going to help someone be fine on the inside too. Here's what that looks like for him: He pitches an idea at work. Boss says "Thanks, but we're going a different direction." He shrugs. Walks out thinking about lunch. No replaying what he should have said. His mate calls. "Hey, can you help me move on Saturday?" "Sorry man, can't this weekend" and puts his feet up to watch the game like he'd planned. Doesn't check his phone once to see if his mate's pissed. Wife asks how the casserole is. "It's a little salty," he says. She scrunches her face for a second. They start chatting about weekend plans. No walking on eggshells. At night, he sleeps like a baby. Here's how it works… Our brains get stuck in loops trying to keep us safe… by managing OTHER people's emotions. Planning what to say. Rehearsing how they'll react. Replaying what already happened. But managing everyone like that? Impossible job. So naturally we get stuck (and exhausted). Turns out, the antidote to the stuckness is to be Shameless… Then it goes away fast. Because your brain quickly figures out there was nothing to manage. The looping that used to last days shrinks to hours. Then minutes. Then it just stops. Most of my clients feel that shift in their first week. I've worked with a lot of guys who looked fine on the outside. 30 of them left Google reviews. All 30 gave five stars. I told them to be honest. Of course, "being your shameless self" probably sounds terrifying. It was for me.

Comment below by calling your shot for this week: What healthy, value-based action do you commit to doing this week to improve your life? And how did you get on with last week's commitment?

I had kind of clocked myself with this , but it still was a bit of a revelation. I spend a lot of my time in research, trying to get enough knowledge to be ok. I realise I have "put off " life. I have put off action for study. I can look back and realise I was brought up by hippies, artists, and academics...abd the academia crowd were just as odd, but they had more self beleif and more money... maybe that's why I idealized books and degrees (I have a couple of degrees now, but still they didn't change my life much). What ever the cause, I can see i have done this put off, learn more, value academia highly, and not try action many times in my life. So realization of this pattern is good...and now I can use one strategy from my kit bag of knowing, and act ! .. One action to concretize from ideas. This week its to focus on 1 book, read it and act on something, and review it ... I'll see how I go.

Most nice guys don’t ruin their marriages by being selfish. They actually ruin them by being helpful. I know this because I’ve done this. Right after my daughter was born, my wife was suffering a lot physically, and I relapsed really hard into being a fixer. This created a massive disconnect between us. While I thought I was helping, I was actually controlling. I was trying to prevent her from having emotions that I found uncomfortable, and that made me build up a lot of resentment too. If you’ve ever walked into your house and felt like you’re having problems dumped on you the minute you walk through the door, that your help is not being appreciated, that the intimacy and your sex life have faded, and you don’t know why this happened or when it started, this interview with relationship coach and intimacy expert Monica Tanner is going to help you sort that out. We’re going to break down something that men completely misunderstand: the difference between fixing and supporting. We’re going to have a look at why resentment builds and how it destroys marriages and relationships, especially for people pleasers, and we’re going to explore how this creates an environment that is not emotionally safe, which is the leading cause of intimacy and connection problems later down the line. Monica is going to help us unpack the chain reaction: how fixing leads to expectations, which leads to resentment, which leads to intimacy issues - and what you can do to break out of the cycle. So get a pen and paper ready, because this episode is absolutely packed with practical tips from someone who really knows what they’re talking about… If you prefer written content, click here to keep reading the full written version on Dan’s blog. Or click on your preferred option below: - Watch on YouTube - Listen on Soundcloud - Listen on Apple Podcasts - Listen on Spotify - Listen on Amazon Audible

I had a tough conversation with my oldest child (20, moved out at 19) recently They are convinced, and told me through tears and choking up, that they sincerely believe my wife/her mom is a narcissist. They then went on to describe a number of things that I had a hard time denying. I asked them, what about me? I'm not perfect. I know there are lots of things that I do and did that were not ok, and that I have some traits that might also be considered a bit narcissistic. And even then, I should have protected them from anything that might have happened and that I was sorry for any part I had. I told them that I always see the good and the potential in people, thats just my nature, and that I didn't believe that mom doesn't or cant love you. Maybe she has some of these traits but I can't believe shes a full blown NPD. I've since leaned heavily into trying to identify these traits. I've watched some videos. I've had a few "holy shit" moments when hearing descriptions of narcissistic interactions that hit too close to home. I've learned what "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking" is. Turns out I'm already doing that. But it reaffirms what I already knew: that the only thing I can really do is work on myself. I can be healthier physically. I can work on my own mental blocks. I can take time for myself, to be myself, to enjoy what I like, do hobbies, get good sleep, etc. And the consensus seems to be that if I do all these things I will only get better, and, conversely, if she really is somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, these things will probably just make her angrier. Or not. But I can't count on that. I can only get better.