Background, I came from a family where we took sports and activities very serious. At 11 years old i gave up judo in favor of football because i thought that if i shaped myself into the norm people would like me more. This became a recurring theme till age 14 and probably subconsious till this very day. Trauma sports, got injured in the knee. Listened to the doctors god awful advice even though in my heart and mind i knew taking 6 months of full rest without anything sports related would fuck me up. Guess what, it did. Became a fatty, pretty depressed and unlikable. school, i started disrespecting teachers and people in my class in hopes of getting respect and love from peers. It did the opposite. changed my ways 2 years later and i was the complete opposite, very attentive in class and respectful to everyone. I also noticed a better sense of self dad, is the complete opposite of what i want to be. he’s a settler and very boring. In the past 10 years of having a brain i still haven’t been able to get an intersting word or thought out of the bloke. Even though i’m able to do that within a couple minutes of meeting someone new. i see traits in myself which align with his person. And i’m actively working to not become him. Weed, y’all probably know i’ve smoked on and off for quite a bit. I used it to surpress feelings and effort. It’s part of rebellion against the system. It’s a way to deal with not being able to work hard. It’s a method to prevent myself from reaching the “scary” potential i have. I’ve often and honestly still seen my potential as a lovely amazing thing to reach and achieve. I know i can achieve it. But i’m afraid of losing myself in the chaos of life. Which is also a reason i’ve never taken mdma or other forms of pschychedelics. It’s why i’ve still not gone all in on my business. Why i’ve never given a 100% effort in anything in life. Yeah i’ve had bursts of training 18x per week, yeah i have reached some sick shit. But i’ve never lost myself in travel, love or genuine obsession outside of what’s comfortable and comprehensible for me.