Saturday Satire
Man Adds Plant To Office Background, Immediately Perceived As 34% More Strategic
RALEIGH, NC — A local consultant announced this week that he has significantly increased his perceived strategic value after placing a medium-sized plant behind him during video calls.
The breakthrough came after months of appearing on Zoom in front of what clients described as “a wall.”
According to early reports, the addition of the plant immediately communicated:
- Calm authority
- Operational maturity
- Creative discipline
- A vague but undeniable understanding of systems
“I used to think clients were evaluating my ideas,” the consultant explained. “Turns out they were also evaluating whether I had a ficus.”
Sources confirm the plant was moved six inches to the left after initial tests suggested it looked “too tactical” in its original position.
A nearby lamp was then added to create what branding experts called “warmth without weakness.”
Within hours, prospects reportedly began describing the consultant as “thoughtful,” “grounded,” and “someone who probably has a framework.”
The consultant clarified that no changes had been made to his actual services, pricing, process, or deliverables.
“Same brain,” he said. “Better background.”
At press time, the plant had been promoted to Director of Positioning.
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