Nov '25 • General discussion
The Best Cat... Believe Me.
Another Parody
Characters:
- DR. GENTLE: A patient and professional veterinarian.
- MR. T: A very important and very vocal pet owner.
- TREMENDOUS: Mr. T's magnificent (and possibly constipated) cat.
[SCENE START]
DR. GENTLE: Good afternoon, Mr. T. Thank you for bringing in Tremendous. He’s a magnificent creature. Now, how can I help you both today?
MR. T: Tremendous. The name says it all, frankly. Tremendous! Look at him. You won't find a better cat. The best cat. Everyone agrees. People come up to me, tears in their eyes, and they say, "Mr. T, that is a truly tremendous cat." Nobody has a cat like this. Nobody.
DR. GENTLE: He is lovely. Is there anything specific you’ve noticed about his health or behavior that brought you in?
MR. T: Well, you see, it’s a big problem. A huge problem. The biggest problem you've ever seen, believe me. We're talking about an unbelievably difficult situation that the previous vet—a disaster, frankly, totally incompetent—couldn't solve. Sad!
DR. GENTLE: I understand. To give Tremendous the best care, I just need to know what the specific issue is. Is he eating differently? Is he lethargic?
MR. T: He’s fine. Perfect! In fact, he’s never been better. He's very strong. Very powerful. But there are these things happening. You know. Bad things. Very bad. And it's not his fault, let me tell you. It's the system. It’s the bowls they’re using. They're crooked bowls, honestly. Very crooked.
DR. GENTLE: Mr. T, I really need a clear symptom. Is he perhaps having trouble... with the litter box?
MR. T: The litter box? It’s a disgrace! A total disgrace. We have the best litter box. Huge! Beautiful! Cost a fortune. The most beautiful litter box you’ve ever seen. But the output... the output is weak. Very, very weak. It's low-energy output. And, frankly, sometimes, there is no output. Zero! It’s incredible how low the output is.
DR. GENTLE: Ah, I see. So he might be constipated.
MR. T: Constipated? No, no, no. He is not constipated. Tremendous doesn't get constipated. That's what the fake news media would say. It's a witch hunt! What he's doing is holding it. He's holding it back, you see, because he's waiting for a better deal. A much better deal with the litter box. Once we get the right deal, the best deal, you will see output like you’ve never seen. It will be massive output! The biggest!
DR. GENTLE: Okay, Mr. T. I'm going to take Tremendous to the back for a moment and take his temperature and maybe a quick X-ray. It sounds like we might need a mild stool softener just to make things flow, if you catch my drift.
MR. T: (Waving a hand dismissively) Flow! Of course it will flow. We'll make it flow. We know how to do flow. The best flow. But please, no high-energy interventions. We're keeping him comfortable. And make sure you treat him with respect. He’s a winner! Don't forget that. The biggest winner! I’ll wait here. And you'll see, you'll come back and you'll say, "Mr. T, you were right. This cat is a genius, and the previous vets were terrible."
DR. GENTLE: (Sighing softly as she leads the cat out) I'm sure I will, Mr. T. I’m sure I will.
[SCENE END]
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The Best Cat... Believe Me.
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