Feb 15 • General discussion
Good Enough is Revolutionary
Undoing the quiet tyranny of the Perfect Mother Myth.
Before becoming a mother, I was the perfect mom.
My child would never throw a tantrum — but if they did, I would simply meet them with pure love. My kids would have neatly packed lunches filled with organic fruit, carefully crafted meals, and sensible desserts. They would wear clean, cute clothes with matching socks. They wouldn’t fight. And above all — never use screens.
Those were the good old days, when — with no shame and without realizing it — I silently surveilled other mothers through a lens shaped by patriarchal expectations I had absorbed since girlhood.
Together, these expectations form what I used to call the Supermom, and I now call the Perfect Mother Myth.
The rules vary slightly across cultures, but in the U.S., they sound something like this:
The perfect mother is endlessly patient, even on very little sleep. She never yells. She loves every minute. She always puts herself last. She cooks, cleans, nurtures, works, and manages it all — without help. You know, know the Instagram version.
Then I went through a 40-hour labor. I sweat and swayed, moaned and cursed, and prayed for it to end.
During those hours, I met my demons — and, as mothers do, I slayed them. My midwife mind dissolved, and an ancient mammalian knowing came in.
I had crossed a threshold. I was a mother!
And immediately found myself on the other side of the surveillance lens.
Truly, it begins in pregnancy — everyone offering advice: the cashier, the bank teller, relatives, strangers, the barber — what to eat, how to move, where to birth, how to birth, whether to breastfeed. I’ve been telling the mamas I serve for years that someone needs to write a book about all the stupid shit people say to you when you’re pregnant. You know, like a coffee table book?
So far, nothing. Takers?
For me, the surveillance intensified once my daughter was outside of my body. And if I’m honest, the loudest scrutiny was my own.
The early postpartum was a roller coaster: joy, tears, irritation, love, bliss, rage — sometimes all within minutes.
I adored my baby.
And I also once told her, “Get the fuck off my nipple!” while pushing her away from me.
Breastfeeding was excruciating at first. My nipples were torn by a poor latch, and it took months of healing. The fantasy of peacefully nursing while reading in a rocking chair shattered quickly.
I was also stepping into motherhood as a single mother, which is a rite of passage all its own.
Thankfully, I had strong community support, and by two months, breastfeeding became pain-free. It became one of our favorite ways to bond.
Still, motherhood proved to be the hardest thing I had ever done — especially because I desperately wanted to “get it right.”
I wanted to be infinitely patient, always loving, and emotionally attuned.
I was living under the reign of the Perfect Mother Myth.
And it cost me — in guilt, shame, and the subtle erosion of joy. I was constantly striving toward an impossible standard that was not only unattainable but harmful.
Nine years later, after my third daughter and years into my own postpartum mental health journey, I encountered the concept of the Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician D.W. Winnicott.
He observed that when mothers inevitably fail their children in manageable ways — not through neglect or abuse — it actually supports healthy development.
When you can’t tie your toddler’s shoe because you’re in the bathroom, they learn patience… maybe even how to tie their shoe!
When I’m at a long birth and can’t physically comfort my daughter, she learns to tolerate difficult feelings and trust our bond. This builds resilience.
If we met every need perfectly and immediately, we would raise children ill-equipped for real life.
Let that sink in.
You are enough.
You don’t have to be perfect to be enough.
And yet — we must hear this again and again. We need it reflected back through community because the Perfect Mother Myth is deeply embedded. It is the very air we breathe.
If you want to go deeper — if you want support in unpacking these layers — I invite you to join us at Chrysalis.
Chrysalis is a five-day retreat for pregnant women and couples who are ready to meet birth as a threshold into a new paradigm — a slowing down, a remembering that birth and parenting are sacred, life-changing experiences that are meant to happen inside community.
A space to be held as you open, release, and unfold.
You were never meant to do this alone.
Questions for reflection: I’d love to hear your share in the comments.
What do you wish you knew before becoming a mother?
What have you discovered about yourself through motherhood?
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Good Enough is Revolutionary
skool.com/the-good-enough-mother-circle-2391
A MotherFly-rooted community for real, imperfect, evolving mothers rebelling against patriarchy, perfection, and burnout.
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