Thx for the newsletter archive. It’s really helpful I just saw that if you give chat gpt the script, it can read it to you, so it’s way easier to read because of the black background and the white letters.

Hi all. I'm noticing my mind and seeing how much my "self agenda" type stuff shows up in my life and almost unknowingly informs so much of what I do or how I live my life. Like almost everything I do, or my big "goals" in life and everything I go for in some weird way is to "prove" myself as a valuable person. I'll pursue martial arts to be seen as capable and strong or whatever, I'll do consciousness work to attain "higher" consciousness and be really smart and powerful or something, and all that stuff. And I can engage in those goals without really knowing what drives them. Seeing how much of the stuff I do as related to that in some way really raises the question what the fuck I'm actually trying to accomplish with this? And the bitch of it is, is like this drive informs me to take patterns and be hesitant to let them go, or not really be honest with myself about what they are or why they are, because my experience is geared towards feeling like I need them and or need to maintain them, even if they suck, and so I would have resistance to letting them go. But when I do, I guess it "threatens" them. Like "they" don't like to be questioned as if. But it is empowering and freeing not to be pushed around by "internal" impulses I'm not fully conscious of. Just, the point I guess is that, one, wow, this drive to "be good" or awesome, and the "methods" to attain them changes or creates my life experience in a huge way, and two, dropping it, or even getting a glimpse, opens up HUGE questions and possibilities because, so much of my experience is built upon them, that it would like shake the foundation of my current experience and create the possibility of something new. Questioning them is intense. Stuff comes up, like resistance, but also excitement. I guess I wanted to share this gleaming insight

This was the best photo I was able to move, will try again later.

I really enjoyed my CCE session today. Been wanting to do an extended dyad work for a long time so really grateful for these opportunities! Also got clear on something ridiculous I've been doing that has been hampering my contemplations so that was good to clear up.