One step forward, five steps back, or at least that’s how it feels sometimes.

Do you ever catch yourself repeating the same patterns?

There are days when I feel calm inside, mostly effortlessly present, grateful, and almost in love with being here (in this life). And then, after these peaceful moments, something always appears. A test, or an old trigger. A pattern I thought I had already outgrown.

Suddenly I’m not the grown version of myself anymore, my pain body steps in, my ego takes over, and the observer mode is gone.

The good thing is, that the intensity and duration of these moments are getting lighter, softer and shorter. And I see them as signs that there are still unhealed parts of me waiting to be understood and pain should be felt and let go eventually.

Theoretically, I know how much progress I’ve made. Practically, I still have so much to heal and to surrend on.

But I’ll keep going. It doesn’t matter how many times I go “five steps back”. I have my own pace and my own path. And I don’t see it as failure anymore, just a kind reminder that there is still work to do.

And honestly, I’m grateful that I can see it this way now, instead of taking it as proof of weakness like I once did.

Does anyone else feel something similar?

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