Mar 21 (edited) • Love Life Blog
You’ve done the healing, but still attract the unavailable ones! (Sound Familiar?)
You’ve done the inner work. You’ve healed what you could heal, and you genuinely believe you’re ready for real love. And yet, again, you find yourself in a situationship that lives entirely in a chat thread. He texts you good morning. He texts you goodnight. But when it comes to actually seeing you, actually choosing you? Nothing!!!
What’s happening isn’t a reflection of your worth, and it’s not entirely your fault. But there are two things you need to hold at the same time: a pattern you may be unconsciously participating in, and a very real numbers problem in the modern dating pool.
The Familiar Feeling That Passes for Chemistry
If inconsistency has been woven into your past, a parent who was sometimes warm and sometimes distant, a love that kept you guessing, then the uncertainty of an unavailable man can register as excitement in your nervous system. You’re not broken for feeling it. But it’s worth naming: the anxious pull you feel toward someone who keeps you wondering is not the same as compatibility. It’s familiarity. Hope mixed with uncertainty can feel exactly like chemistry. That’s the trap.
The numbers reality also matters. A significant portion of people actively dating are avoidant, undecided, or simply enjoying the frictionless comfort of digital connection without the accountability of real-life investment. You cannot fix the pool. But you can absolutely change your filters, your pace, and how swiftly you move on when someone’s behavior shows you who they really are.
Reward What Actually Matters
Most daters unconsciously prioritise attraction, the spark, the witty banter, the stomach drop. But attraction is Level Two. Level Three, the willingness to actually build something, is what you need to be screening for from the very beginning.
Watch the behavior, not the words. A builder does three things consistently: he converts conversation into plans, he asks you real questions and follows through on what he learns, and he creates a next step without you needing to prompt him. That’s it. It’s not complicated. It’s just rare, and worth holding out for.
If someone is texting you daily but not making plans, take it at face value. He enjoys access to you, not responsibility for you. Those are very different things.
The fastest way to get clarity? Close the access. You don’t need to do it harshly. One clean message is enough:
“I enjoy talking with you, and I’m looking to build something real. If you want to grab a coffee this week, I’d like that. If now isn’t the right time for that, I’m going to bow out, no hard feelings.”
Then let their actions answer the question. You won’t have to wonder. Behavior is always the truth.
Set a Cadence Standard and Keep It
Early on, a reasonable bar is simple: one real, intentional date per week. Not a maybe hang. Not plans that materialise at 9pm on a Tuesday. A scheduled, planned meeting that shows some consideration for your time. If someone cannot meet that standard in the beginning, when people are supposed to be trying, they are showing you what consistency with them will look like forever.
When you hold that standard, you are not punishing anyone. You are respecting your own goals. Think of everyone new as a question mark, not an answer, until their behavior earns a different designation. The moment someone stops offering you new information, the moment the pattern becomes clear, you already have enough to decide.
A few things to keep in mind:
1. Move off the app to a short call, then a simple in-person meet, and keep the timeline tight. If they’re stalling at every step, that’s your answer.
2. One real date per week, scheduled with intention, is a standard, not a suggestion.
3. Three months of consistently seeing each other is plenty of time for exclusivity. If they hesitate at that point, you stop auditioning.
4. Everyone else in the world holds more potential than the person offering you crumbs. Scarcity thinking keeps you at a table with nothing on it.
Lower the Bar for Fireworks, Raise It for Reliability
If immediate, electric spark has consistently led you toward the same avoidant pattern, it’s worth treating that spark as interesting but not decisive. Give the steady, quietly promising person a second date. Let attraction grow alongside safety and curiosity, rather than alongside anxiety and uncertainty. They are not the same experience, even when they can feel similar in the early weeks.
Reframe your whole approach from scarcity to abundance. When you genuinely believe that a relationship with you is a compelling offer for the right person, you stop trying to persuade someone who doesn’t want what you’re bringing. You show up powerful and calm, not auditioning.
When Someone Is Uncertain, Don’t Sell. Clarify.
The moment you sense someone hedging, don’t pitch yourself harder. Name your lane clearly and simply:
“I date with the aim of a relationship. I keep things easy and light at first, but I don’t do endless texting or open-ended situations. It’s just not where I am.”
Then let them opt in or out. You are not issuing an ultimatum. You are offering information. The person who is right for you will meet that honesty with relief, not resistance. Commitment isn’t a life sentence. It’s a trial of focus. If they cannot offer even that, you are not failing to convince them. You are getting your answer early, which is the kindest outcome for everyone.
One clean ask. One clear standard. One graceful exit when it isn’t met.
This will feel tender at first. That tenderness is not weakness. It’s the sensation of changing a pattern. Hold the standard anyway. The right person will not make you fight for a seat at the table. They’ll pull out the chair.
Let me know if this resonates and if it helps.
Lissa 💞
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You’ve done the healing, but still attract the unavailable ones! (Sound Familiar?)
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